St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner, but America’s biggest Irish day can also be a nightmare.
Here are just some of the things that could befall you if you don't stay at home on March 17.
1. You could be trampled by a big green walking machine.
Watch out when that parade starts, you could be bowled over.
It could be funny, or...
it could be cute and funny, just don't let it happen to you!
2. Unable to differentiate which little green men are the aliens because everybody is a little green and suddenly you get transported to Planet Zog.
I mean it could be worse.
3. You get a job as a sanitation worker cleaning up after police horses in the parade.
Sure, it’ll be easy they said. It won’t be gross at all! Sure!
4. You dress up as Saint Patrick but get mugged as the muggers think you’re a helpless old guy.
Chances are you'll just look like an utter eejit.
5. You are featured on the evening news as example of a person who had too much to drink.
...even though you totally weren't. That's just how you dance!
6. You miss your train home to Long Island and you sleep under an expressway overpass.
...or you could pull a James Bond and board late.
7. Your girlfriend leaves you for a piper in a kilt after she discovers what’s under it.
Once she's seen what the kilt keeps hidden there'll be no looking back.
8. You confess you don’t like “The Quiet Man” and are beaten up by everyone in the NYPD including the commissioner.
Just another instance of Police Brutality that will be swept under the rug.
9. You finally trace your Irish roots and discover your great granddad drowned in a brewery.
Well, he went out doing what he loved.
10. You call in sick on parade day, but your boss discovers you on TV streaking down Fifth Avenue butt naked.
If you do leave the house remember to have fun, but most importantly, be smart, be safe, and if you drink, please drink responsibly!