It's that time of year again. We are about to close the book on what was a very interesting 2016. Now let’s look into our crystal ball and make some predictions for the coming new year.
JANUARY: On January 6, Vice President Joe Biden presides over the meeting at which electoral votes are officially counted. This is normally a formality, but America is thrown into chaos when it turns out a number of electors decide not to cast votes for Donald Trump, resulting in a tie -- 269 electoral votes for Trump and 269 for Hillary Clinton. Trump tweets, “Told you this was rigged.” Clinton adds, “Oh, so now you want to shatter the glass ceiling.”
Inauguration postponed. Trump continues assembling cabinet in Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue, inquiring if Margaret Thatcher might be available to serve as ambassador to Ireland. “She was some broad,” Trump tweets. “Dead or alive.”
FEBRUARY: Having reached a new level of spiritual enlightenment following the release of their religious epic Silence, set in 17th century Japan, Liam Neeson and Martin Scorsese disavow the violent movies they made in the past and join the priesthood. “I’m done with Goodfellas and moving on to sacred fellas,” Scorsese says.
MARCH: The election crisis drags on as Republicans and Democrats try to strike a deal to end the electoral vote tie. Tensions boil over on March 17 when Trump refuses to allow the St. Patrick’s Day parade to proceed past Trump Tower. “I don’t want all those immigrants and foreigners near my beautiful building,” Trump tweets. “#BuildFifthAvenueWall.”
APRIL: Saoirse Ronan announces she is changing her name to Sam. “Giggling on chat shows about the difficulty of pronouncing my first name is really fun the first 1,256 times,” she says. “After that, not so much.”
MAY: Pope Francis announces he will visit Ireland in the summer rather than wait until 2018. “Let’s face it,” the pope says, “there may not be any Catholics left in Ireland by next year.”
JUNE: Hillary Clinton withdraws from the ongoing electoral vote controversy. “Who would want to be a part of this unending political fight?” she asks. The next day Bill Clinton announces he will serve as Hillary’s replacement, prompting Joe Biden to respond, “Uh, anybody remember me?”
JULY: Scorsese says he’s made some changes to the script for his upcoming movie The Irishman, starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. “The Irish hit man who whacked Jimmy Hoffa? We all know how that one ends.” The new script is set in 16th century Ireland, with DeNiro and Pacino now playing Protestant and Catholic warriors who, moments before slicing each other’s throats, achieve true inner Christian interdenominational enlightenment. “It’s wonderful,” Scorsese says. “Boring. But wonderful.”
AUGUST: The pope visits Ireland. He is greeted by enthusiastic crowds as well as the country’s nine remaining priests. “You’re doing God’s work,” the pope declares, “because no one else wants to.”
SEPTEMBER: The electoral crisis reaches its eighth month. Trump tweets. “Will run country from NYC. Who needs Washington? I’ll let them southerners vote for me but I never wanted to live near them.” He adds, “And who even needs these things called ‘votes’? My boy Putin doesn’t worry about votes so I’m not gonna worry about votes.”
OCTOBER: Liam Neeson quits the priesthood and signs on to star in Taken parts four, five and six. Scorsese will direct. “We don’t know what we were thinking either,” they say.
NOVEMBER: Electoral stalemate finally ends when an elector who had cast a vote for Trump decides to switch his vote. “I don’t like what he said about the south. I found that offensive. If I’d known the guy had such a mean streak I never would have voted for him.” Joe Biden sworn in as president with Bill Clinton serving as vice.
DECEMBER: Pope Francis declares, “Fine, women can become priests. They’ve served the church selflessly for centuries, they’ve earned it.”
When asked if women can serve as cardinals or pope, Francis says, “I may be pope but I’m not a miracle worker!”
Happy New Year!
Read more: Top five stunning images of Ireland for 2016