In a bold move the NBA has decided to broadcast all 2013/2014 games on the World Wrestling Entertainment network, adding several other initiatives to the league to smooth a merger with Professional Wrestling. 

LrBron James perfecting his flop

In an initiative seen as a precursor to an inevitable merger with Professional Wrestling, NBA commissioner David Stern today announced that all NBA season and pre-season games will be broadcast solely on the World Wrestling Entertainment networks next season, 2013/2014. Stern said that the move is primarily designed to improve revenues, increase entertainment values, and also to clear away any confusion as to whether the NBA was ‘real’ or ‘fake’.

‘Take last night’s game six, for example’ Stern said, alluding to the last point, clarity around the questions as to whether the NBA was in actual fact, ‘real’, or just staged, like the WWE. ‘Obviously, I mean, people can clearly see that we are trying to create something entertaining, and dramatic, and with Joey Crawford officiating the game, we would have thought it was pretty clear that we wanted the game to have a ‘dramatic conclusion’. Yet, still there are people confused, is it all scripted, or is it real? We just want to clear that up’.

Stern is hoping that with this switch to the WWE network and with an eventual merger with the WWE, people can just sit back and relax and enjoy the games, and not worry about how many steps LeBron takes, how many times Manu Ginobili is fouled on the drive, or just how far back into the stands Danny Green is shoved on his last second attempted 3 pointer.

Stern continued ‘This merger will bring all sorts of advantages, with a new format coming into place shortly, and fans in places like Miami won’t miss a second of the action, as we will obviously ensure that anything important is scripted in to the middle of the show, as opposed to the start or the end. We don’t want scenes like last night where hundreds of loyal Miami fans tragically missed the end of the game, leaving before Ray Allen’s game tying three’

Miami fans stream out of the stadium minutes before their team tie the game

Stern also took the time to outline a few more initiatives that will come with the merger with the WWE

Pre-game rituals will be replaced with one or two of the bigger stars taking a seat in center court pre-game and talking to through a scripted narrative. For example, LeBron and Delonte West might have a heated argument about the latter sleeping with the former’s mother.

The traditional ‘foul’ will be officially eliminated. As Stern said ‘We could all see last night how the fouls not being called on Miami in the last few minutes really sped the game up, and that’s something we are looking to do going forward.’

Players will be allowed to pick up empty side line fold up chairs and whack opponents with them. Again, this was given a trial run last night, as Chris Bosh threw Danny Green into the stands as the game ended.

The playoffs will be eliminated, instead the league will go with Miami against a computer selected opponent, and by computer selected we mean David Stern will decide the Heat’s opponents and type them into an email, on his computer. This will eradicate meaningless first round games, and speed up the process towards the Miami final, and increase fan enjoyment of the product.

Vince McMahon, CEO of the WWE, welcomed the merger, saying that ‘We are delighted to bring such fine entertainers as LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade into the WWE family. These guys really know how to put on a show. LeBron is a born entertainer, and freed from the chains of the NBA rule book he will finally deliver on that promise of multiple championships to his loyal fans.’


LeBron works an opponent

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