I bear sad tidings. Donald Trump is a eunuch.

How do I know? I’ve studied 400 speeches of the Donald, and it is clear his voice is pitched higher in the last half dozen than in the others.

I have watched all these speeches on TV and it is clear why he is hiding behind the podium.

He has no falorums as The Dubliners once sang.

He’s also lost his ding doorum.

As for Hillary, I can confidently say that she suffers from smallpox.

OK, OK, you say it is eliminated, but that pimple on her cheek is not getting better and her skin looks like it could be pockmarked any day now.

Besides the Clinton Foundation, under the guise of curing diseases, are re-introducing them.

This was explained to Hillary, I expect, using an actual example of smallpox virus which somehow infiltrated her skin.

Sean Hannity says it's smallpox so it must be true.

Donald Trump also has leprosy.

How do I know? It’s the combover, stupid. What is he hiding?

There’s probably a bunch of reddish bumps on his head which the combover hides.

I have looked up every explanation on Quack MD and it screams leprosy.

I'm afraid his finger will come off next.

Note to media: do not use phrase “threw in his hand” or “lost his head”.

Read more: Republican attacks once forced Hillary Clinton to wear bulletproof vests, have they again?

Hillary also has river blindness.

Sure it has all been eliminated thanks to Jimmy Carter but that's just another Democratic cover-up.

Watch Hillary when the sun is shining on her. She squints visibly. She recently visited Nantucket, too, so it could be a version of river blindness called sea blindness.

Donald Trump also has xenophobia diagnosed as an irrational fear of foreigners—need I say more?

Hillary has halitosis or bad breath. Have you seen how everyone leans away when she speaks? Even large crowds.

Trump has Werewolf Syndrome which causes him to howl at reporters and television pundits every so often.

Hillary has elephant man syndrome. It's clear since she began wearing a bulletproof vest (thank you, Donald) that she s getting heavier and heavier. Soon she will need a wheelbarrow to be wheeled around in.

Our first wheelbarrow president?

Clearly neither are physically fit enough for office. It is time to let Michael Moore and Newt Gingrich, paragons of human specimens, to fight it out instead.

Sean Hannity can play the ringside doctor on TV.

Read more: Trump’s supporters need to be called out on US immigration views

I bear sad tidings about our 2016 presidential candidates Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.