Following in the footsteps of Abraham Lincoln almost 153 years after the Battle of Gettysburg, Donald Trump, Lincoln's successor as the Republican nominee for the presidency, gave a secret speech to a few thousand supporters at a location near the battlefield. Here are his remarks:

“Folks,everyone has been telling me how great this Lincoln guy was since I got here.

“I want you to know I’m no Abe Lincoln, in fact I’m better than Abe Lincoln ever was!

“I mean look at the guy looked like he hadn't shaved in a year. He was plumb butt ugly. If i was in charge I’d have told him ‘You’re fired’

“He can’t have been that smart either, I mean only went to school for a couple of years, not like me at Wharton and being head of Trump University and all that.

“His wife, I mean gimme a break, crazy as a rabid rabbit, a three in looks if you ask me, doesn’t come close to Melania..

“I got way more votes than him, He only had men vote for him I had thousands, no millions of women vote for me. He only came third in the original ballot for his party's nomination. I won with more votes than anyone. He lost his race for the senate running against that dwarf Douglas, I’m going straight to the White House.

“Second his speech was what, about five minutes at Gettysburg? Gimme a break I’m only getting started after five minutes.
Also I hear Abe had his speech hidden under his hat! His hat! who wears hats? I’m telling you the guy had something sinister going on wearing that big hat and pulling speeches out of it. Maybe he pulled it out of somewhere else it was that bad.

(raucous laughter)

“And let me just address his opening remarks ‘four score and seven years ago’ and all that blarney. I mean who was he scoring as a four about seven years ago? His wife? It makes no sense reading it. Then with my attention deficit disorder I didn’t get to the end.

“And what’s this nonsense ‘Of the people, by the people, for the people’? Terrible slogan. How about ‘fair and balanced government’ like the Fox News slogan --excellent.

“I’d have said first what this battlefield needs is a new Trump Tower instead of all these monuments,great publicity, super angle. Sell it as a honeymoon destination ‘Where generals fought, love stories begin’— perfect. Sex it up. ‘Have you seen my Little Round Top’ sounds good.

“Now let me talk about this so called battle. You see it was rigged, honest injun don’t ask me someone told me who heard it from someone else who knew someone that knew.

“I mean Pickett’s Charge---give me a break Pickett was an idiot, walking across open fields General Longstreet or Short Rod or whatever he was called. almost refused to give him the order. I’d have had him court martialed on the spot.

“No sir the media rigged it ---told Robert E Lee the road was clear and all those blue uniforms was an optical illusion reflecting blue water from the sky.

“You know what I would have done if I were the rebels? I'd have built a wall (cheers, chants “build the wall, build that wall”) from California to South Carolina over the Rockies, over the Mississippi. Keep everyone apart and keep everything just as it was.

“Finally I want say I’d have known far more than the generals anyway. I read about Gettysburg in fourth grade and watched a few movies about it. Sure my own military career ended because of a painful bone spur in my foot but I’d have nuked whatever side I was fighting against.

“The rebels were ISIS and the Union Army was like Assad, nuke ‘em both I’d say.

“Four score (snorts) Melania is a ten, Anyone around here I can grope?

Onwards to the White House.

Abraham Lincoln, Donald Trump. Credit: Lincoln, Wikipedia/Public Domain; Trump, Flickr/Gage Skidmore