It's that time of year again folks! With 2015 blessedly consigned to the dustbin of history, we look ahead to the good, bad and ugly things that just might await us in the new year.
JANUARY: Donald Trump blasts his Scottish immigrant mother as a “whiskey-swilling loser” and German immigrant grandfather as a “pretzel-munching putz,” and he declares that author Stephen King had a great idea for keeping America immigrant-free in his book "Under the Dome." “The book is huge,” Trump says. “Literally and figuratively.”
FEBRUARY: "Star Wars" mania goes too far as Domhnall “The Evil General Hux” Gleeson is kidnapped on a Dublin street by a quartet of nerds called “The Awesome Foursome Force.” One is heard to mutter: “Where’s your Harry Potter now, Weasley?”
MARCH: Some charge that inclusion in the St. Patrick’s Day parade has gone too far when a Central Park horse is named grand marshal of the procession up Fifth Avenue.
APRIL: Minds are blown all across the U.S. as Irish American Republicans (the Ronald Reagan kind) commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Easter Rising are reminded that the Irish Republicans (the kind from Ireland) who coordinated the Rising were, you know, kind of considered terrorists by a few people back in the day. “Who ever heard of an Irish terrorist?” a baffled New York Irish Catholic asks, before casting a vote for Trump in the New York primaries.
MAY: The Dublin “Awesome Foursome Force” announce their ransom demands for Domhnall Gleeson. They want a million euros, a very large poster of Princess Leia in that bikini with Jabba the Hut, and the two remaining "Star Wars" movies to be shot entirely in Ireland. A statement declares: “We’re more than green, pretty mountains, J.J. Abrams! Much more!”
JUNE: Having run out of family members to save, and terrorist bad guys to beat up, Liam Neeson announces a new direction for his "Taken" film franchise. This time around, Neeson teams up with the grand marshal Central Park horse (named Michael Collins, naturally), who the actor has gotten to know while advocating for carriage drivers. The dynamic duo clop around Manhattan fighting crime and getting into adventures using both Neeson’s and Collins’ “special set of skills.” When trouble calls, Neeson only has to do one thing: “Use the horse.”
JULY: In the sequel to the film "Brooklyn" (produced by newly-formed Trump Films), Saoirse Ronan is roused from sleep by immigration authorities and thrown into the East River and told to keep swimming “until you hit France or one of those other wuss countries.”
AUGUST: Boston buried under three feet of summer snow. Republican candidates blame immigrants, rather than climate change.
SEPTEMBER: Donald Trump actually reads "Under the Dome." (Well, he watches the TV show based on the book.) Trump blasts Stephen King as a “loser” and “probably an immigrant himself. And a rapist. A huge one. Probably.”
OCTOBER: In a very strange twist, Domhnall “General Hux” Gleeson is freed by his father, Brendan Gleeson, who goes all “General” on his son’s captors – as in Martin “The General” Cahill, the ruthless Dublin gangster Gleeson portrayed in the 1998 movie of the same name. “These nerds wanted it to get real, right?” Gleeson says afterwards. “Well, it just got real.” Also, thermometers in New York City hit 101 degrees on Halloween.
NOVEMBER: After a year of saying the dumbest things possible, only to watch his poll numbers rise, Donald Trump finally finds the right words to sink his candidacy so that he can get back to spending all of his money: “Climate. Change. Is. Real.” Republicans decide resistance is futile, nominate Hillary Clinton.
DECEMBER: Santa Claus moves his North Pole toy-making operation to Ireland. To save on taxes. “Hey, if Apple, Pfizer and Facebook can get away with it,” Santa says afterwards, “why can’t I? These elves ain’t cheap! Plus all the snow seems to be melting anyway.”
Happy New Year!
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