Greetings, earthlings. I am Zelgebrat the space alien. I have traveled light years to visit your planet. Do no be alarmed by my flawless English. By complete fluke it would appear we speak the exact same language. Let's cut to the chase. I am absolutely fascinated by this thing you call 'sports'. Since I have landed on your planet I have assimilated 4,567,967 hours of sporting action with my enormous alien brain. I love it. I am hooked. We don't have anything like it on Planet Zingaboom, where we are primarily into bloated gloating and various forms of foot fetish as forms of exercise. ‘Sports’, as you call it, absolutely riveting.

I just have a few questions. Maybe you can help me out.

Leading off, this NHL hockey thing looks interesting. I am kind of stumped by a few parts of it though. Why does the guy who scores come off the ice immediately after scoring? Is that a rule? Or just a tradition? Why do they allow players to fight? In other sports players are ejected for fighting. I don't get it. Is that just a tradition too?

I tried watching some soccer football, and at first I enjoyed it. My massive alien brain particularly enjoyed watching the teams Barcelona and Arsenal weave their intricate passing moves together. However, eventually my even handed alien propensity for logic has forced me to give up on soccer. There is just too much simulation. Players dive to the ground without even being touched, often affecting the outcome of the game. Why does FIFA not step in and ban players for 3-5 games for 'diving'? This would stomp it out immediately. Why don't they act? Maybe they are too busy counting cash obtained from bribes. FIFA officials seem to approve of a good bribe.

FIFA have so far not returned my calls

Moving on, as I transmongified around the planet, hopping effortlessly from earth country to earth country, I thoroughly enjoyed the adult pastime of gambling on sporting events. It made the games more exciting, and although ill never get to spend them, I very much enjoyed winning many earth units of currency. Now, why was I not allowed gamble in the country you earthlings call the United States? I could gamble in Ireland, I could gamble in England. I could even gamble in Russia. However, not in the United States. I was allowed purchase an automatic weapon, which I could then go out and kill many people with, but I wasn't allowed place a considered adult wager. This confused me greatly.

Continuing on to NFL football, excuse my alien innocence, but I don't get all the adulation for this Ray Lewis individual, he of the Ravens of Baltimore. Also, why did Baltimore choose such a dramatically non-intimidating bird as their logo? Back to Ray Lewis, I watched the game against Pittsburgh on my 6D TV aboard my spacecraft, and was bemused at the incessant praise being heaped on him. What's that you say? 6D? Yes, it's pretty superior to 4D and 5D. Lewis, it appears to me, is almost always the last guy in on the tackle, and yet the commentary teams were fawning over him as if he was the second coming of the one you earthlings call, LT.

One has to note, he doesn't seem to be an upstanding citizen, either. Lewis was involved in the murder of Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar, for which he was both suspended and fined a quarter of a million by the NFL. Legally, he got out of a murder charge by testifying against two friends. He then paid off the Lollar and Baker families as a result of a civil suit. If you are innocent, why pay people off? I have to ask, and again excuse my alien innocence, why is this guy given such a pillar to stand on and be praised upon?

Amongst the many million hours sporting events I assimilated into my wildly enormous alien brain, I found the NBA perhaps the most aggravating. It would appear to be some kind of theatrical performance, rather than a sport. The pudgy little referees have way too much room to make arbitrary calls and subsequently have way too much influence on the game. Some call fouls, some don't, some eject players for seemingly absolutely nothing. Some fix games for betting purposes. Amongst all the sports I watched, and I am even including such non-sports as cricket here, the NBA referees are easily the worst arbiters of sporting events. Why do you earthlings accept this?

Oh, one more question before I go. This weekend past I had some serious alien business to attend to off-planet, so I missed the AFC Championship game. I assume the Jets of New York won, and are on their inevitable and unstoppable march to the Superbowl? Right? I mean, they seemed pretty confident about it, so I assume they won? Otherwise, all that foot stomping, gloating, all those back flips in the ends zone and self touting, that would have all seemed pretty ridiculous, no?!

I have many more questions, which I will drop by and pose to you earthlings at an undetermined date in the future, for now, keep watching the skies, the truth is out there, and I can not wait to cash in my New York Jets Superbowl bet! Peace, Zelgebrat out.



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