The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, strongmen, etc. - but no one could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."
Tick Tick Tick. Folks, that would be the clock counting down the minutes you have left to get your taxes done (you do know that taxes are due Thursday, right?).
For those of you that have successfully e-filed or mailed out your taxes, you can whip yourself up an Income Tax Day Cocktail and dream about how you're going to spend your refund. Or, alternatively, drown your sorrows and not think about how much you owed.
If you haven't finished up your taxes, I highly recommend waiting until they're out the door before partaking in a drink. Although, maybe it'll make signing those checks a lot easier.
Income Tax Day Cocktail
2 ounces gin
1/4 ounce sweet vermouth
1/4 ounce dry vermouth
1 ounce orange juice
Aromatic bitters to taste
Orange slice or twist for garnish
In an ice-filled cocktail shaker, vigorously shake liquid ingredients. Strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with orange.
Spicy Pulled Chicken Chili
I make this every year at tax time to overcome the taxpayer blues. This spicy chicken chili is a welcome change to the dreary April weather and will cheer even the most depressed economy... The ingredients are simple and cheap! Serve with salsa, chips, green onions, sour cream, and shredded cheese.
6 large chicken breasts with skin and bones
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 large onion, coarsely chopped
6 fresh garlic cloves, minced
½ fresh jalapeno, minced
1 (4 ounce) can diced green chilies
¼ cup chili powder
3 tablespoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon dried oregano
2 teaspoon ground coriander
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes in puree
2 (12 ounce) bottles dark beer
2 (14.5 ounce) cans low-sodium chicken broth
2 (15.25 ounce) cans kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1. Arrange the chicken breasts in a single layer in a large skillet. Add enough water to cover the chicken. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and cover and simmer until chicken is cooked through, about 15 minutes. Drain chicken and cool. Remove skin and bones. Coarsely shred meat. The chicken can be made ahead of time and stored in the fridge.
2. Heat oil in a heavy pot over medium-high heat. Sauté the onions until translucent and tender, about 10 minutes. Add garlic, jalapeno, and green chiles. Sauté for one minute. Mix in chili powder, cumin, oregano, coriander, and cinnamon. Add tomatoes. Bring to a simmer and add beer. Pour in the chicken broth. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to medium-low and simmer one hour, stirring occasionally.
3. Add beans to chili and simmer uncovered until chili thickens to desired consistency, usually about 30 minutes.
4. Add chicken and simmer until the chicken is heated.
AND FINALLY… When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes.