Let’s gaze into our crystal ball and see what 2013 might have in store for the Irish in America.
First off, we can expect the Republican Party to make some changes. We’ve already seen them make some overtures towards immigrants, in the hopes that their party won’t soon become - you know - extinct. So why not expect more in that direction?
Next year, the Republican Party will move to banish the constitutional requirement that the president actually be born in the U.S. (In their minds that was already broken by Barack Obama, right?) The GOP will then look to nominate an undocumented immigrant for the White House in 2016.
If that seems far-fetched, keep in mind that some people right now actually believe that Republicans will give in when it comes to the gun nuts in this country.
Speaking of institutions facing extinction, what’s in store for the American Catholic Church in 2013?
First, we can expect the hierarchy to get it over with and excommunicate every pesky nun currently serving in the U.S. Those ladies have already caused far too much trouble with their yapping about following the example set by Jesus when it comes to love and tolerance.
Odd how the nuns have also managed to avoid becoming embroiled in, like, even one single sex abuse case.
Rick Santorum, meanwhile, having failed to ride his impeccable Catholic cred to the White House, will announce his candidacy for Pope. When Santorum hears papal policy regarding the impoverished and oppressed of the world, however, he will announce he is instead running for Pope of America.
No one opposes - or cares.
Finally, the church will stop announcing which Catholic schools are closing. For simplicity’s sake, they will simply announce which schools will actually remain open.
In the world of showbiz, expect big things from legendary Boston Irish criminal Whitey Bulger in 2013. Sure he’s disgraced and imprisoned now.
But with movie stars like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck angling to make a movie about Bulger’s rise and fall, expect authorities to give the old guy a break so that he can serve as a “consultant” on the upcoming film. (“What’s the guy ever done to prove we can’t trust him?” one FBI official will ask.)
Shockingly, after one day on the set, Bulger will disappear. In the months that follow there will be
Whitey Bulger sightings from Denver to Dublin.
Ben Affleck, feeling guilty, will then attempt to shoot a fake movie, in the hopes of luring Bulger out of hiding. It will be called Where Did Whitey Argo?
We couldn’t possibly go a whole column without mentioning Irish boy toy Niall Horan and the rest of the boys in One Direction. Horan will shock the world in 2013 by calling a press conference and declaring: “Having just spent the last three months counting all of my money, I have decided to retire. I don’t know what world these British twits are looking at, but in the world I come from these boy bands don’t last very long."
“Boyzone anybody? Exactly! I’m getting out of this now, before I start looking like a real weirdo. I’ll be back when my fans all have children of their own and they have some real money to spend.”
Ex boy-bander Mark Wahlberg will then call up Horan to see if he is interested in playing a child role in the latest installment of the “Irish” Mickey Ward series of boxing films. The title? The Fighter 4: The Son Also Rises.
Also in 2013, Liam Neeson may actually pass on a movie role. And Daniel Day-Lewis, having wowed audiences as Lincoln, grows pork-chop sideburns to play seventh President Andrew Jackson, whose parents were born Carrickfergus, Co. Antrim.
The expletive-laden script (written by Irish playwright Martin McDonagh) explores Jackson’s bloody rise to power. However, violence breaks out on the set when the notoriously-intense Day-Lewis refuses to break character. McDonagh becomes frustrated when Day-Lewis requests a particularly ornate horse and buggy carriage to carry him to and from the set.
“It’s f***ing 2013 you weirdo!” McDonagh howls before socking Day-Lewis.
Happy New Year!
Contact “Sidewalks” at tdeignan.blogspot.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.