It’s hard to imagine things could get crazier than they did in 2017... but let's try!
It's that time of year again. It’s hard to imagine things could get crazier than they did in 2017. But let’s gaze into our crystal ball and see what 2018 has in store for us.
On January 23, Academy Awards nominations are announced and, as expected, Saoirse Ronan earns a nod for her stunning turn in Lady Bird.“Say, I have an amazing idea!” one Academy Awards official declares. “Why don’t you perform a musical number at the ceremonies making fun of your weird name?”
“Uh…” replies Ronan.
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announces that as part of the ongoing debate over statues and historical memory, New York City will not celebrate St. Patrick’s Day next month. “Let’s face it,” says de Blasio. “Patrick may have been a saint. But he was also a British colonizer who went to Ireland to force Christianity on unsuspecting indigenous peoples.”
Riots ensue. Protesters seize St. Patrick’s Cathedral, which de Blasio has proposed renaming “St. Brooklyn’s.” Says one political insider, “I saw Gangs of New York, so I’m not surprised by any of this. These people are all nuts!”
Saoirse Ronan does not win the Best Actress Oscar, but still must perform a musical number making fun of her weird name. “Did you get that name free in a box of Lucky Charms? Or free with a 12-pack Guinness,” quips host Jimmy Kimmel, before pelting Ronan with potatoes.
“Uh...” replies Ronan.
President Trump declares an end to the “war on Easter.” Now, he adds, “Jesus can be crucified over and over and over again.”
Vice President Mike Pence abruptly resigns. “I don’t know what happened,” says President Trump. “But the vice president is just another loser who couldn’t get enough votes to be president. Like Hillary. And me.”
In a rare moment of introspection, during a 60 Minutes interview, President Trump says, “Did you ever actually read some of the stuff Jesus said? I never had until this week. What a whack job! And what’s all this crap about the camel and the eye of a needle? What was this guy smoking?”
Previously undisclosed documents reveal that Mike Pence’s grandfather, from Co. Clare, never properly signed his naturalization documents at Ellis Island.
“I want to thank my new vice president, Steve Bannon, for bringing this travesty to my attention. Go back where you came from, Pence, and cut the grass on my golf course,” Trump offers.
Saoirse Ronan officially changes her name to Suzy. “Nice name,” a Hollywood insider says, “but she’s still got that funny accent. Though I must say she’s going to be great in the forthcoming live action Lucky Charms movie.”
President Trump declares a “War on Christ,” adding, “Someone’s gotta put a stop to the hippy garbage this guy’s been allowed to spread for 2,000 years. What kind of creep would listen to a clown like this?”
Saoirse Ronan quits acting and opens up a shoe-cobbling business with Daniel Day-Lewis.
Previously undisclosed writings of Jesus Christ discovered, revealing that “the rich, the wealthy and the job creators shall inherit the earth.”
All other teachings previously attributed to Jesus considered fraudulent, likely written by Democrats. “Is there nothing crooked Hillary and her cronies will not do?”
President Trump says, adding, “I want to thank Vice President Bannon for personally discovering the true teachings of Jesus. The War on Christ is over!”
Lucky Charms: Full Throttle is the number one movie in America. Insiders say it is the first part of a planned nine-part action adventure saga. Suzy Ronan will star in all of the forthcoming movies, alongside previously unknown actor, Danny D. Louis.
Happy New Year!
* Tom Deignan is a contributing writer for the forthcoming book Nine Irish Lives: The Fighters, Thinkers, and Artists Who Helped Build America (Algonquin). Contact “Sidewalks” at tdeignan.blogspot.com)