Posted by TheYank at 9/12/2009 8:12 AM EDT

{Warning: reading this may cause heart disease.}

Have you ever wanted to break a world record in the Guinness Book of Records? Well, an eatery in Cavan has set the challenge for you: the fullest full Irish breakfast ever. In fact, it's the fullest breakfast ever offered, topping the old six pounds-six ounce record held by a restaurant in Bristol. The breakfast at Cavan's Hard Boiled Egg weighs in at more than seven pounds.

Seven pounds of breakfast. Just let that sink in (or better yet, maybe not). I've held seven pound babies in my hands, but I've never thought about eating one.

Seven pounds. McDonald's is under fire for coming out with their third-pounder burger, which tops the old quarter pounder by a fraction, but imagine the uproar (and the upchuck) if they changed their quarter pounder for a four pounder and threw in 3 pounds of fries with that!

I know, I know. Too horrible to contemplate. But what of the offer from the Hard Boiled Egg?

The breakfast consists of the following: ten rashers (thick bacon slices), ten sausages, ten eggs, five pieces of pudding, five hash browns, French fries (presumably the thick, greasy Irish kind, not thin salty McDonald's fries), tomatoes, mushrooms, baked beans and ten slices of toast. I don't know if the pudding is black pudding or white pudding. If you don't know what either of those delicacies consists of you may be just as well off. Offal and awful might just cover it (although I've been known to eat both).

Have a look at this picture from Irish radio station Newstalk. This looks bad enough, but the beans and toast aren't even here.

When I first heard about this my first reaction was something along the lines, “If only I were 25 years younger ...” as if the breakfast were an attractive young woman or an invitation to play baseball again. But the truth is, even when I was 20 I wouldn't have been able for ten sausages, ten bacon slices and ten eggs.

When I was 20 I wimped out on a challenge to a chicken-nugget eating contest, one that was won after a mere 34 chicken nuggets. I knew I'd have trouble past number 9 or so, a child's portion.

Then there are the baked beans. I don't know why baked beans are even part of anybody's breakfast, but Mike McLellan writing in the Tracy Press (Tracy, CA) says that beans should be as closely associated with Ireland as potatoes are. He says that Boston's reputation as the baked bean capital of America is thanks to the influx of Irish immigrants in the 19th century. Okay, I suppose, beans in the breakfast.

We can't see the beans in this picture, but if they're going to be in proportion to the rest of the breakfast there would have to be a vat-sized bowl of them. Oh boy. What if someone actually ate that amount of baked beans? How many days would it be before they would be fit for human interaction? (Or even non-human. Why should a dog or a cat have to suffer?)

No, this breakfast is not for me and never was. It needs a John Candy. {Remember how he polished off the 48oz steak in The Great Outdoors? That's the spirit required here.} This is a challenge for a man with a serious appetite, an iron gut, a cavalier attitude to his own personal health, and, let's face it, no qualms about producing antisocial smells for a few days. {I'm not sure if this is sexist or not, but I cannot picture any woman having so little self-esteem - and intelligence - that she'd even attempt to eat such a breakfast.}

This is a great “I dare ya” to all the men of Ireland and any passing tourists who happen to be feeling a bit peckish during a visit to Cavan Town. The challenge is yours. Your name in the Guinness Book of Records and immortality - well, until someone eats an 8lb breakfast - await.

The breakfast costs €19.95 (about $30), but is free if you finish it in half an hour. Bon appétit.