Where am I left now?
Dear MTN,

I think I need your advice. I've been dating my boyfriend who is a fireman for ten years now. We both have our own houses, but when my kids stay with my ex-husband every other weekend, he always stays over. Soon my kids will be 18 and I will have to buy my ex out of my house. I cannot afford the mortgage myself and my boyfriend says he doesn't want to sell his house and move into mine. I will have to sell my home and then unless I move in with my boyfriend, I will have to find an apartment for me and my kids. I cannot afford to buy a home right now.

How do I ask my boyfriend if I can move in with him? You would think after dating for ten years I could say anything to him, but he is very weird when it comes to his independence. He found out a couple of months ago something about his pension and needing to put a beneficiary on it, and I naturally assumed it would be me, since he isn't close to his family, but he told me he wasn't ready to add my name on yet. What the hell is that? After ten years and he doesn't know if he should take care of me if he dies?

We have broken up a few times over issues like this in the past, and even though I know I deserve better, I don't feel like going through the trouble of breaking up with him over this, and being single again. I will say, if I did meet a great new guy, I would like to meet a man who wanted to take care of me after dating ten years. What do you think I should do? 

Thank you. 

- Mary (not my real name)

Dear Mary,

I understand how you feel. I agree with you that after ten years you both should know by now if you should take your relationship to the next level, which would be living together, putting your name on his pension etc. But obviously he isn't ready for that. That is a huge red flag.

The other red flag you have in this relationship is the fact that you have broken up already a few times. In my opinion, it never pays to go backwards in any relationship. I would bet you are still fighting over the same issues that you have broken up in the past for. Also, if he knows of this upcoming situation of yours, if he loves you and wants to be committed to you, he should ask you to move in with him or get married. You should not have to ask, and I recommend to never ask a guy such a questions.

Lastly, it sounds like both of you are playing the same game; which is, we'll stay together because it's easier than breaking up and being single again, until someone better comes along. That is no way to live a healthy life for you and especially for your children. My advice is to take the harder road and move on to find a guy that would want to take care of you after dating you for ten years. If you experience trouble finding a new guy and it takes you more than six months of doing it alone, that it when I usually recommend you come in to meet me. All of the men in my program are looking for committed relationships. If you need us, call us for your free consultation at 516-444-2861.

 Best of luck to you.