She's such a nice girl, Eunice.
The first thing I really noticed about her was her perfume. The day we met she swept past me in a majestic cloud of Miss Dior Chérie. I mean to say, I would know that fragrance anywhere. It's an audacious little chypre with a citrusy freshness and a jasmine heart sprinkled with fruity notes. So chic, so classic.
It was, what's the word, kismet.
On our first date I took her to see a show: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert live on Broadway. Well I thought each number was absolutely fabulous but she dozed off through the whole second act, the little dear.
But I just know we're a match made in heaven. No, we really are. No, we are. I mean she's obsessed with kitchenware and I'm all about fabrics. Oh who told you I designed her bridal gown myself?
Oh, for goodness sake's don't tell me you're still a little worried about all that - gay stuff - in my past? Oh desist! Oh, silly! Oh, that's gone with the wind. C'est finis! A though it never happened. Poof.
You see what I did - let me explain - was I joined this darling little Christian slash pop-psychology slash bigoted slash buzz saw ex-gay group I found online. You know, one of those marvelous little online groups that specialize in early HTML and hate gay people so much you really want to shower afterwards?
One of those.
Deportation of gay illegal Irishman stopped by Obama administration
Gay firefighter files seven figure discrimination lawsuit
David Norris now target of Westboro Baptist Church extremists who picket US Army funerals
Well can I tell you that they were supremely helpful! They taught me I was immoral and unnatural and desperately sick and so - since those were my choices - I'm completely cured now!
All it took was for someone to repeatedly abuse and belittle me, and to tell me over and over how deeply, depressingly evil I was. That's all it ever takes. That's not bullying, that's benevolence.
Thanks to them I now realize there's no future in being gay - and that, as a matter of fact, there's no such thing as being 'gay' in the first place! It's not an orientation, it's a lifestyle - like joining a motorcycle club.
No one is born gay. Ever. They choose to be gay. They just wake up one day and say I want to be utterly sensational. I want to stand at variance. I want to make a holy show of myself. Most of all I really want to annoy upstanding white Christian ladies. And that's just the start of the slippery slope.
You see at heart all gay people are poisonous little narcissists. They want to stand out. They crave the spotlight. But my little ex-gay group blatantly beat me right back into conformity. With the bible and of course the ballot. And it's was all for my own good.
So I'm straight now. Yup, completely hetero. For reals. I even like Mets games. In fact I often like to stroll around with a gun. And I'd like to marry your daughter. Your only daughter. And bring her happiness. Years of it.
That's what marriage is, remember - one man and one woman. Adam and Eve. I'm taking your daughter to the the alter, sweetie.
You know it's what God really wants for us.