IrishCentral obtains copy of Johnny Manziel’s NFL draft night diary.
8:17 pm - Houston takes Jadevon Clowney instead of me in the number one spot. Whatever. Jokes on them. I'm still smiling. Give me a few more minutes to hang out and chill, might meet a few babes, whatever.
8:29 pm - St Louis takes Greg Robinson, who isn't a QB and isn't me. Not going to panic, 'cause Jon Gruden said I will go 2nd and that means I'll probably go within the top 5 anyway. No panic.
8:31 pm - Alright now, what's going on? Jacksonville takes Blake frickin' Bortles 3rd. Are you kidding me? Trying hard to smirk, but, having much less fun than I was about 30 minutes ago.
8:35 pm - I can't find any booze, and there are barely any babes here. I was wildly misguided as to how much fun this might be. Might have to fire a few of my people.
8:37 pm - Buffalo takes Sammy Watkins with the 4th pick, and that's OK with me 'cause I have no clue where Buffalo is. Is it in Pennsylvania? All I know is, it's cold and they suck. So, have fun Sammy.
8:44 pm - Oakland takes Khalil Mack 5th, and you know what, despite the fact my smirk is now basically a scowl, I am totally OK with this, I didn't want to go to Oakland, they suck. I can't imagine anywhere worse than Oakland actually, Except maybe Cleveland.
8:52 pm - Atlanta, I am gunning for you. You are in Johnny Football's crosshairs. And Johnny Football doesn't miss. The f****g Falcons pick Jake Matthews. Have fun getting sacked a billion times this season, Matty 'Ice'. Whatever.
9:00 pm - Okay now ya'll are just screwing with Johnny Football. Another Aggie and it still ain't me? What? I check with my people and they confirm, this is actually the real draft, and not just some joke-draft or something. Tampa takes Mike Evans 7th. I threw to Mike Evans. They should be taking me. Not Mike Evans.
9:04 pm - Cleveland just took Justin Gilbert, thank God. Can you imagine, me, in Cleveland? It doesn't even have an Ikea!
9:03 pm - I hear some NFL intern mention the 'Johnny Football Green-room melt-down watch'. I get one of my people to get the NFL to have him fired. Laugh at that, intern.
9:16 pm - The Vikings don't pick me. Whatever. Another freezing, dump of a dive with nothing to do, like Cleveland.
9:19 pm - Detroit picks a Tight End ahead of me. A Tight End.
9:27 pm - I fire a couple of my people after Tennessee picks a tackle in the 11th spot. A tackle. They are now picking linemen ahead of me. I try to smirk but my face hurts.
9:45 pm - I send one of my people out to get me those glasses Homer wears in The Simpsons, the ones that make you look awake while you sleep. I tell him if he comes back without them he's fired.
9:50 pm - I think I zoned out for a few picks, and the funny thing is this place is drier than Utah, so I'm not even wasted. Pittsburgh picks some linebacker or something in the 15th spot. Whatever. Dallas is up next. They'll pick me for sure. Dallas Cheerleaders here I come!
9:56 pm - Okay this isn't frickin' funny anymore.
9:58 pm - I whisper through gritted teeth to everyone at my table 'Stare straight frickin' ahead people, stare straight ahead and smirk, and don't dare show any negative emotions, or you're frickin' fired people'
10:02 pm - Baltimore picks CJ Mosley 17th and you can't see it but I am driving a ballpoint pen into my leg. The pain feels good.
10:10 pm. New York up. Let's go Jets. This is it, Johnny Manhattan, I can feel it.
10:11 pm - **** you, New York.
10:24 pm. This one hurts. Miami takes somebody with an apostrophe in their name at 19th. I wanted Miami. I think LeBron and I could be good business partners. I mean, friends. Plus, have you seen the ratio of thongs to regular bathing suits on an average Miami beach? Plus it's hot as hell, which I like as opposed to cold, depressing places, like Minnesota, or Cleveland.
10:30 pm. Another painful one. There will be no Johnny Mardi Gras. The Saints pick a receiver or something. Whatever. I need to get drunk. I tell one of my people to get me a beer. He says he can't. I fire him.
10:36 pm - The Packers pick a guy with 'Ha Ha' in his name. I do not have 'Ha Ha' in my name, or, on my face.
10:43 pm - Apparently I am going to Cleveland. I look sternly for a second at my people to see if there's anyone I can fire, and then start stabbing my pen into my leg to force myself to smile. This is going to be interesting.
10:45 pm - One of my people tells me that the Browns owner drafted me because a homeless person told him to. I do not know what that is, but, it doesn't cheer me up at all. I ask my people to find out what homeless means.
11:00 pm - zoning out again, this time for good. One last note, my people tell me ESPN said my name 113 times tonight, which is more than the other top 5 draft picks combined, and almost 25% of all mentions of draft picks on the night. Suck on that, everyone. I’m gonna go find a beer or twelve. Goodnight.