Ireland's funniest man Frank Carson: 20 of his best jokes


Since the death of Frank Carson, his talent has been celebrated by both his fans, family and friends. Thousands of people lined the streets of Belfast last Saturday afternoon for the funeral of the 85-year-old, who passed away on February 22. To honor his comedic legacy the Belfast Telegraph has put together a slide-show of some of his funniest work. Here are twenty of his finest.

1. There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

2. A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

3. A man goes into Boots (a pharmacy) and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

4. A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

5. My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

6. I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.


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7. Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

8. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

9. Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

10. What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

11. I went to an old people's home. I asked an old lady with a Zimmer frame. "Do you know who I am?" She replied, "Ask the Matron, she'll tell you."

12. I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour to get my suitcase closed.

13. A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: "No dogs allowed". He said: "You allow guide dogs." I said: "Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors." He said, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

14. There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

15. A fella said to me: "Your mother-in-law has just died, do you want her embalmed, buried or cremated?" I said: "Take no chances, give her the lot.

16. An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

17. A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

18. I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

19. I'll have a pint of Guinness and a pickled onion in it, an Irish cocktail.

20. It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."


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