As my Irish father would say ...

My oldest brother, Mike, in his delightful book, “A Stowaway in Plain Sight,” wrote a short story titled, “As my father would say.” Mike’s story focused on our late dad’s unusual expressions.

At a recent family picnic, our happy brood shared many of these memorable sayings. We’re not certain if our dad, James O’Hara, actually made up these nuggets, or if he had heard them growing up in Ireland or his subsequent years in England or America. Whatever the case, we O’Hara’s never heard them spouted by anyone else in our lives. 

Here are some of our family favorites:

“I’m too old of a cat to be fooled by kittens.”

This expression was used when we children were caught trying to pull the wool over his eyes.

“He’s neither useful nor ornamental.”

This statement was aimed at a slothful or slovenly person. Dad would emphasize this by adding that the so-named person was also “a good-for-nothing git!” 

“He’s no Dick Burton.”

This statement was reserved for someone who believed he was as good-looking as the Welsh actor, Richard Burton. But, in truth, the “conceited imp” would be as “plain as pudding.”

“One arm as long as the other.”

This cutting phrase was used for those who’d show up at our door empty-handed. Our father had no tolerance for “pinchpenny louts.”

“There’s no pockets in a shroud.”

This saying was a grave reminder that you can’t take your money with you. This quip was also targeted at those with long arms. 

“Where are we, Coney Island?”

This remark boomed through our house every time Dad would arrive home from work on a winter’s evening to see every room ablaze with light.

“Tell the truth and shame the devil.”

This expression was used when Dad sensed that one of his brood was trying to fib his way out of a tight spot.

“Joe Soap.”

This moniker was attached to any man who wouldn’t stand up for his beliefs or convictions. If you were deemed to be Joe Soap, chances were likely that you were also “soft as tripe.”

“Explain that away and you own my two ears.”

This phrase was uttered after Dad told a riveting tale that edged on the unbelievable.

“The big I am!”

This passage was directed at anyone who loved to put on lofty airs. A “Mister high and mighty.” 

“God made oceans of time.”

These words were spoken when he noticed we were impatient or in a hurry to go someplace. 

“I like him down to the ground.”

A term of endearment when Dad appreciated someone from head to toe.

“A big stirk.”

This is one of my dad’s curious expressions. It was aimed at someone who was stupid--an amadán in the Irish language. Stirk actually means a yearling heifer or bullock, so this saying was undoubtedly coined while growing up on his family farm in Co Longford, just outside Ballinalee.

“It’s not the cross you bear, but the splinters in it.”

I heard Dad say this in hopes of comforting a friend who was complaining about the nettlesome habits of his longtime spouse.

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

This phrase was often blustered after Dad had successfully proven his point following a heated debate. 

“You’ve cut your stick.”

This was an absolute killer, usually fired at his three middle sons—Jimmy, me, and Dermot. It meant we had committed a wrongdoing so severe we had no recourse for redemption. These horrific misdeeds might include bringing home a pathetic report card, tormenting our younger sisters, or “acting the goat” while at church. Whatever the crimes, our plans for that weekend would be scratched.

“Wherever seven are gathered in anyone’s name, there’s bound to be one jack-ass.”

Over the years, whether in the workplace or simply out and about, I can honestly say that this was Dad’s most accurate maxim. 

Lastly, when Dad was shocked or surprised, he’d gasp, “That I may be dead!” For example, if my father were alive today and spotted this story on IrishCentral, he’d utter the above phrase before turning to me and say, “Kevin, you’ve cut your stick!” 

Happy Father’s Day!

*Kevin O’Hara is the author of “Last of the Donkey Pilgrims.” Email him at kevinbohara@gmail.com.