In a stunning development Major League Baseball has handed the Texas Rangers the 2011 World Series title, six games into the season. The decision has been greeted with glee by the Rangers. Team president Nolan Ryan, who was quoted as saying ''We only just handed out second place rings for last season last week, so this is just awesome!''
A Texas team official was quoted as saying ''The parade is going to be held some time next week, we actually have a few games this week'' apparently lamenting the fact that MLB has decided to actually play out the rest of the meaningless games until the end of the season.
The overwhelming choice as 'Team of the Universe', as chosen by 97% of online sporting entities, Texas players scoffed at those who pointed out that only 3% of the season has passed to date. 'I don't care what people think'' Josh Hamilton said ''Right now, we’re the best team in the Universe, and that's all that matters. Now it's time to drink some ginger ale and celebrate in a sensible fashion'' the former alcoholic hell-raiser said, as he donned ladies underwear and placed a ball-gag in his mouth.
All around the league players and teams celebrated as MLB decided to hand out all the awards after playing less than a week of the schedule.
Perennial joke the Cleveland Indians celebrated wildly with an impromptu locker room champagne bash. Having just beaten the Red Sox the Tribe's players and fans alike were jubilant. Wiping champagne from his face, Assdribble Cabrera shouted 'Nobody believed in us, but we done it, man! This goes out to all the fans. Sure, they (The Red Sox) will probably finish about twenty five games better off than us, but right now, we're the best. Pedro owned us, Troy O'Leary owned us, the Sox embarrassed us in the playoffs the last few times we played them, but right now, this is all us, this is our time!’’
Delirious bloggers around the world were gleefully celebrating the news. Foghorn Annoyinghorn, from Loudnoises.com, a particularly vociferous baseball blog, eulogised; ''This just proves that you should make snap judgements about the baseball season based on the evidence of 3% of the games. I feel vindicated'
Of course not all teams were happy with the news. The New York Yankees Brian Cashman was quoted as saying ''It would be nice if we had been given a chance to play Texas''. Doc Halladay of the Phillies, when asked for comment on the decision, threw a no hitter, punched the journalist in the face, and solved world hunger and poverty.
In Boston, noted angel of doom and depression Dan Shaughnessy celebrated as he practiced some self flagellation. ''I told you these guys sucked, and with this decision, MLB have shown me to be right, again.''
On the Red Sox, team ace Jon Lester pined 'Two starts, and my season is over. I guess what they are saying online is true. I do suck. I can't pitch. I understand that it is valid to be judged on one game only, and not say, on my sparkling résumé to date. I feel like I never threw a no-no, or shut the door on the Rockies to seal the Series in '07. Maybe those things were just a dream'
MLB had this to say about the early award of the season crown and other awards.
''MLB is delighted to crown the Texas Rangers the 2011 Champions. We feel we may as well just go ahead and do this now as Texas is clearly really awesome. In no way, shape or form will their second rate pitching staff, anchored by a former reliever who's arm is going to fall off before June, encounter any sort of depth or talent issues. Texas have in no way benefited from playing in the heat of their tiny ballpark, where balls fly out faster than Wimbledon. Of course they will perform at this rate through the slog of the summer, and into the cold winter where their players will no doubt love playing in the ice cold stadiums up North East. Plus, those Elk Antlers of whatever they are, are just simply adorable''
Finally, MLB will announce plans tomorrow to unveil a sold gold status of Josh Hamilton outside Rangers stadium, with the inscription, ''Most important human being since Charles Darwin. Fact''