Posted by wolfhound at 3/14/2009 8:07 PM EDT
As almost everyone knows, we are now in the second phase of the “New7Wonders of Nature” competition. Those who, like The Wolfhound, have been among the millions of members of the press keeping careful track of the 261 qualified national and multinational nominees around the clock know full well there will only be 77 lucky winners at this crucial phase.
And that select “Group of 77,” as it is already universally known, will be winnowed down to the FINAL SEVEN in a spine-tingling and very possibly partially televised global competition. Even as I write these words, perhaps a trillion more votes, or less, have been cast.
"Yes, yes, yes,” you’re saying. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
I’ll do more than that, my know-it-all readers: I’ll jam the whole stinking wet wad of truth down your throats! Garb your brown pants, Grandpa, and listen to this: Ireland’s beloved Cliffs of Moher are currently ranked 12th in their category (Group G: “Seascapes”) – and that means we have to knock off at least one of the “Turd World” entrants that are blocking our rightful place at the top!
And what a malodorous bag of crap stands in our way! If anybody with half a brain still doubts that we Irish are still a global target of discrimination, all they have to do is look at the “candidates” ahead of us. To a one, they are racking up sympathy votes because they’re in countries where there’s no food, water, air, economy, jobs, money, healthcare, education, sanitation, telephones, paved streets, vacuum cleaners, or even Christmas trees - real or artificial, not even the silver ones.
And you know what all this means, my friends.
Without naming names, The Wolfhound can tell you that many of these people do not believe in Jesus Christ.
But Wolfie doesn’t have to let their backward cultures, cannibalistic tendencies or belief in zombies do his work. Behold above an ordinary snapshot of our breathtaking Cliffs of Moher: Majestic peaks that have carved their way into the very sea, swept by the roiling blue waters and bristled by a bracing wind night and day – compared to the probably-toxic dumps, swamps, mudpies, landfills and vacant anthills that make up our “competition.” Have a look – these are the actual, verified names and reasonably correct likenesses of this sad lot. AND THIS S--- IS WHAT STANDS IN OUR WAY?! HOLY CRAPOLA!
What a sad and sore eyeful! Small wonder that Wolfie was able to convice the fine people at 7UP - which in worldwide opinion surveys has been rated the finest, most-delicious, most healthful beverage ever to be put into a can (or stylish plastic bottle) - to join him in this crusade. I drink well over 130 cans a day of this delicious, lemon-lime confection - with just a hint of sugar - and it's no wonder the makers of such a thirst-quenching drink, especially one with a "7" in its name, would be joining Wolfie on the bandwagon to get the Cliffs all the way to the New 7 Wonders of the World.
To cast your vote for the only worthy and patriotic candidate, and the shove these other candidates back down the toilets they bubbled up from, click here.
The Wolfhound is watching! And now you've got 7UP watching, too. Get your arse in gear!