It’s been another wild year for Irish Americans, but what will next year bring?
Sit back as we gaze into the crystal ball. What will each month of 2010 bring?
JANUARY: Following the success of their tacky new reality show Jersey Shore, in which Italian Americans proudly act like buffoons and call themselves “guidos,” MTV announces its next reality venture -- Irish Riviera. That’s right, MTV will throw a bunch of Irish lads and lassies into a Rockaway Beach bungalow while we sit back and watch the fireworks.
The guys and gals philosophize about religion, Northern Ireland and whether or not they will get a “Mick” or “donkey” tattoo, following a breakfast of Irish car bombs.
FEBRUARY: Susan Boyle releases an album of Valentine’s Day love songs.
Executives from her record label declare that Boyle will single-handedly save the recording industry.
They also announce that Boyle will be releasing an album of St. Patrick’s Day favorites in March, and Easter classics in April.
MARCH: The “St. Patrick’s Day Riots” of 2010 break out in Hollywood. American actors are angry that advertising executives have decided to actually use actors from Ireland to do commercial voiceovers.
“Who knew there were so many folks born speaking with that cool accent?” one commercial director is quoted as saying. “We’ve been killing ourselves all these years trying to match the realism and authenticity of The Quiet Man.”
Also in time for St. Patrick’s Day, despite protests from all corners of the Irish diaspora, MTV unveils two more Irish-themed reality shows.
First there’s Natives vs. Narrowbacks, in which hip Irish immigrants live side by side with the not-so-hip children of Irish immigrants.
Then there’s Real World: Belfast, in which former paramilitaries from both sides of the Northern divide are now charged with the task of running a chip shop in a Polish-Nigerian enclave.
APRIL: Susan Boyle cancels the release of her Easter album. Rumors swirl that she needs radical throat surgery. Record label executives deny the rumors, and announce that Boyle will be releasing albums of classic songs about Memorial Day, Father’s Day and the Fourth of July.
MAY: Despite a letter of concern from the Pope and numerous resignations, the Catholic Church crisis will not end in Ireland. Converts to the church of Ireland, Judaism and the newly-formed Cathedral of Sinead rise steeply.
The Pope writes another letter of concern.
JUNE: Not content with writing a column for The New York Times and working on a freelance basis as world savior, Bono takes a leave of absence from U2.
U.S.-Irish tensions rise when President Barack Obama and Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Brian Cowen offer the singing superstar cabinet-level positions. In a wide-ranging interview with 60 Minutes, Bono refuses to rule out any offers.
JULY: Seamus Heaney and Eminem release a spoken word CD entitled White Lightning.
AUGUST: Susan Boyle finally emerges with a healthy singing voice. Executives at her record label try to convince her to record an album of American folk classics.
Boyle, instead, performs a racy duet alongside Lady GaGa on MTV.
SEPTEMBER: Having made movies about the wrongfully imprisoned, a tortured artist who must eat with his feet and, most recently, two brothers who torture themselves because of a domineering father, Irish cinema genius Jim Sheridan announces his next project -- a 12-hour documentary about one, small cemetery outside of Dublin. The only script for the project will be random excerpts from the plays of Samuel Beckett.
OCTOBER: Bono engineers a coup, is named Irish prime minister.
NOVEMBER: Colin Farrell appears in a movie people have heard of.
DECEMBER: Irish church leaders plead with the Pope. They say that only a papal visit to Ireland will help heal the wounds left in the wake of the sex abuse scandal.
Pope writes another letter, promises to get back to them in 2011.
Happy New Year!
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