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Tricky situation - discovering old love after 20 years, life's too short

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What to do with lost love, 20 years on
What to do with lost love, 20 years on
Dear MTN,

I really need your help. I was engaged many moons ago to a great guy. I was too young at the time to realize how great of a guy he was and got last minute wedding jitters and cheated on him. I felt so guilty since I loved him so much and I thought he would forgive me, so I told him, instead he broke off the wedding. We hadn't talked in twenty years. I am in an unhappy marriage to someone I was on rebound with from this guy, and I found my ex fiance on Facebook last summer.


We are getting very close and I've never felt happier in my life. I apologized for cheating on him and he finally forgave me. I told him last week I am still in love with him. Even though he has been married for almost twenty years, he told me privately that his wife is very cold and the love has been gone for many years. He has four kids and said he needs to stay married for the sake of his kids. He told me if it weren't for the kids, he would have gotten divorced years ago.


Now that I have that information what should I do with it? I love him, always have, and now know he's not in love with his wife. I am also in a loveless marriage. I know he says he needs to stay with his wife for his kids, but if we are both unhappily married and are both still in love with each other, shouldn't we try everything to make it work? My belief is that life is too short. I really want to ask him to leave his wife, but I'm afraid I might lose him if I make any demands on him. What do you think I should do with this new important information that could change my entire life for the better? 


Thank you for your help.

 - Julie

Dear Julie,

Wow, that is some story and some situation you are in. I realize it isn't easy, but before you say anything to this guy take some time and decide if you are ready for all the problems that will arise from breaking up not one, but two marriages.

At this point, you are still in fairy tale land. Nothing can go wrong and this guy will sweep you off your feet and things will be as great as they were twenty years ago, before you cheated. But what you failed to consider is that many things have changed with both of you in twenty years. He is not the same man that you fell in love with, and most importantly he told you his desire to stay together with his wife for the sake of his children. Do you really want to be the woman that broke up his family?

I suggest not doing anything but continue with your Facebook relationship and leave the ball in his court. You sound like you are ready to leave your husband, but since he is not ready to leave his wife, you need to see if he is going to ever be able to change his mind. That decision is a big one, and needs to come from him, not you telling him what to do.

I always believe that if something is meant to be, it will be...Give him the time necessary to decide if he ever changes his mind about leaving his wife. Use this time to get to know the real "him", the guy he is now, twenty years older than the guy you once were engaged to.

This is not going to be easy, but as long as you leave it up to him, and if he does chose to be with you, you'll never have to worry that you did the wrong thing.

Best of luck to you.

 - MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is proud to be called The Irish American Matchmaker. "We specialize in attractive, quality singles who are ready for a committed relationship." "We do ALL the work!" "Being Irish is also a plus."

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

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