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Moving in together, getting milk with the cow was for free?

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Bringing the relationship to the next level
...living together

Dear MTN,

I need a very basic answer to a modern day question and you are probably the only person my girlfriend will trust with this problem we are having.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. She is a lovely woman and I want to take the next step with her. I have been talking about this subject for the past six months with her and last weekend was her 35th birthday. I gave a card which said perfectly how much I feel about her and I wrote in the card that I wanted her to move in with me. I thought she would be thrilled. Instead, she threw it in my face and yelled something about getting milk when a cow was for free, and stormed out. She won't take my calls.

I really thought she would be excited about taking our relationship to the next level and moving in with me. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't actually get her a present, because I figured if she is going to move in, I'll be buying a lot of furniture for her to help make my home feel like hers. But now, she won't even listen to my explanation.

I know she reads your column every week and I hope you can help her understand that I love her and want her in my life. One day in the future, if living together goes well, I would like to marry her and have children with this woman. Please help.

Thanks,
 Patty

Dear Patty,

I understand you love your girl and that is great! Great for you. What about her needs? Did you ever talk to her in the talks you have had the past six months about how she felt moving in together before marriage, or more importantly, how she would feel about living together without being engaged first?

About the cow, she is implying to you that why would she move in with you without a commitment on your end, because if she just moves in without first getting engaged, for example, you are "getting the milk for free, so why ever buy the cow." Ask your friends what that means it is a very common saying in the U.S.

Now if you truly love her, why do you need to cover yourself first with the buffer of only moving in first to "see if it goes well before getting engaged and married?" I am sure she is feeling, if this is true love on your part, you should know that nothing could break your bond of love and that getting engaged now and moving in together would be the best next step.

Think about her needs for a moment. She probably thought with all your talk lately on the subject that you were going to give her an engagement ring for her birthday after dating for three years. Instead, you gave her a card and said let's just move in together. What does she get out of that.

If that makes sense to you, then you have hope of getting her back. If you know you love her and you both can get through all the ups and downs of a relationship, then get the ring and go over to her and propose! I am sure at that point, she will be happy to move in together at that point. Good luck to you! Keep me posted. – MTN

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