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Record number of Irish men seek help from abusive wives

Huge crisis for many men in domestic abuse situation

By
CATHY HAYES,
IrishCentral.com Staff Writer

Published Sunday, September 5, 2010, 7:17 AM
Updated Sunday, September 5, 2010, 7:30 AM

 

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A surprising number of men are the victims of domestic abuse.

Last year, a record number, over 3,600 calls were made to Amen, a support organization in Ireland for male victims of domestic abuse, according to the organization’s annual report.

More than 25 percent of callers described incidents of physical abuse, while 35 percent experienced verbal abuse and 38 percent reported psychological abuse.

"Most men react by staying silent," said David Ring, Amen’s chairman, told the Independent.

"Often this silence is encouraged by the fear of ridicule and the realization that it is unlikely his partner will be evicted."

He added that when men do report incidents of abuse, they are most often not believed and are even viewed as the perpetrators. Many men fear losing their livelihood and their children if they leave their wives.

Declan Keaveney, a retired garda inspector and Amen committee member, was a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of his alcoholic wife.

"Men are often not believed or not listened to," said Keaveney. "They are not considered capable of looking after children."

Keaveney ‘s wife succeeded in getting a barring order against him after he told her that he wanted to separate. He was only allowed supervised access to their three children even though he was the victim. After a long court battle, he now has custody of the children.

"The hardest thing to deal with is not seeing your children," said Keaveney, who now helps men in court going through similar situations.

"Lots of men do not deserve to be near their children but society in Ireland needs to acknowledge that it (abuse) goes on, on both sides," he said, adding that men suffering domestic abuse were probably among the 424 male suicides last year.

"Some men see no other way out and they just take their own lives.”
 

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Posted by SingleDonald on Oct 20, 2010, 03:50 PM EDT
I agree with justhimself, about not hitting women. However, I can think of some EXTREME exceptions: 1) If she kicks or punches us in the groin area. Women always worry about sexual assaults, so it should be a taboo for them to initiate their own sexual assault! 2) Scratches to the face with their "claws". Long nails can leave permanent facial scars, so anything which can prevent this is justifiable. 3) A punch, which can loosen/knock out a tooth. All girls have knuckles, and a well placed punch may do harm to our teeth. Anything short of these things should not incite us to hit a woman. Yes, more attention should be paid to battered men. Psychological and mental abuse are not uncommon, as the statistics show.
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Posted by adrienrain on Oct 20, 2010, 09:42 AM EDT
There does seem to be a cultural problem with glorifying violence and admiring people who are quick to anger and act out. A friend of mine who had undergone much therapy and soul searching, recounted how, when he displayed anger as a child, was praised for it, at least indirectly, by his grandmother who said he'd gotten his "Irish up." We laugh about a Donnybrook, forgetting that real violence has terrible consequences.
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Posted by Towngate on Oct 20, 2010, 08:56 AM EDT
Mixed Marriages never work!- men and women! - Old Irish Saying.
Report abuse
Posted by justhimself on Sep 07, 2010, 03:14 PM EDT
divorced man, two young children, by god the mental agression coming home dog tired 6 days a week 12hr days to make the numbers work. having to leave the house again getting verbal attacks, she hoping I will reach breaking point and hit her, then she gets the kids, the house, child support and alimony. LIE AND STEAL, HAVE HER CAKE AND EAT IT. THE REAL VICTIMS ARE THE CHILDREN. Time for equal rights in failed marriages. and jimmy12003 we dont hit women no matter the provocation, and by god I love a good fist fight......
Report abuse
Posted by McClure on Sep 06, 2010, 06:24 PM EDT
Wouldn't want you to hit back, but walk away perhaps?
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Posted by jimmy12003 on Sep 06, 2010, 06:12 PM EDT
its hard to believe that we have that percentage of pus-sies here now! grow a pair of ba-lls lads! think back to the old saying, a man and his wife walk into a friends house, and the lady of the house asked the man, what happened to your wife, who had two black eyes! and the man replied, she didnt hear me the first time!
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Posted by 2IFBYSEA on Sep 06, 2010, 05:11 PM EDT
NO ONE, deserves to be the "doormat", for anyone,let alone your partner or spouse. Get away, as soon as you can....don't blame yourself,for someone else's actions. People who are abusive,"self-hate",and blame the world, for EVERYTHING. Contact social services,ask a good friend to go with you. This is your Life .....only you can make it healthier. :)
Report abuse
Posted by tawnyatucker on Sep 06, 2010, 02:19 PM EDT
Men- step up and get help-No one should be bullied or hit-Women were made to be a help mate to their husbands....not a slave, mind you. Each should be a help to each other and treat each other with respect-
Report abuse
Posted by Dublinjas on Sep 06, 2010, 05:10 AM EDT
killowen What Planet are you from ?
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Posted by furlee1 on Sep 06, 2010, 02:36 AM EDT
newbie to irish cent glad to see deeper discussins than shamrocks.ireland has indured man..y depreesive times.abuse whereever is the devils play ground.do ontoy others what you wish done onto you. seen today as aplatitude but is there antthing beter in this complicated world granpa chis
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Posted by krisdaly on Sep 06, 2010, 12:55 AM EDT
Women are usually seen as the "innocent victims" of a mans brutality! Women can be and are abusive verbally, physically, and mentally! It is difficult for a man to admit that the weaker sex has abused them. After all look what Eve did to Adam!!!!!!!!
Report abuse
Posted by allentown on Sep 05, 2010, 10:35 PM EDT
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
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Posted by PolinDeB on Sep 05, 2010, 08:34 PM EDT
the boulevard of broken dreams - I would say many of these women married these men for money, as the economy crumbled so did the price of their love....why do you think so many developers/business men etc committed suicide last year... without their money, many had nothing. During the tiger, I've seen these women attack waiters for nothing more than forget the sauce on the side... imagine taking their privileged lifestyle away.... The tiger showed the black Irish but they were black of heart...I remember saying to a taxi driver as we free fell into recession, at least the wankers will now shut up... but since they can't control waiters anymore they fall in upon their husbands... or wives..
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Posted by AlunPalmer on Sep 05, 2010, 08:26 PM EDT
I had neighbours once who often got drunk and threw things at eachother. They were both as bad as eachother, which I think is probably quite common. At another time I knew a woman who left her husband because she said he beat her, but she used to drive me around the bend, and I wasn't involved with her. I don't condone him, but I could see why he did it. I'm sure it goes on both ways, and I doubt that fixing the blame is as easy as most people seem to think it is. It's too easy for people to always blame the man.
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Posted by killowen on Sep 05, 2010, 06:41 PM EDT
Being married to a disturbed person is another tricky situation where one or both of the partners get high on exciting the other into stupid acts that has the idiot savant ending his days in gaol - the ultimate "shrike" controller now having complete control over who is allowed to visit the unfortunate. How does something like this gain the rightful attention that it deserves. Proud victim takes it like a man .... out of commission .... with years lost to lunacy.
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Posted by ballylanger on Sep 05, 2010, 06:23 PM EDT
With all the women on this planet who are gagging for sex, it's a real tragedy that men, in relationships, feel obliged to 'hang in there' with a battle axe. Of course, it also 'works' the other way round. Male or female, we don't seem to be able to recognize the moment the arse falls out of the relationship. Of course, for a woman with children, it's doubly difficult to 'separate'. In general a man has more options to go 'walkabout' than a woman with kids. But, before the langer is introduced into the vulva, it would be well to 'plot' the consequences. Which is grand but, a belly full of alcohol and a moment in time...
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Posted by jerryoneill on Sep 05, 2010, 05:26 PM EDT
You know what they all had in common? THEY HAD IT COMING
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Posted by mhichil on Sep 05, 2010, 04:24 PM EDT
dogronnie; never insult the person that serves or prepares your food.
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Posted by donal1951 on Sep 05, 2010, 03:42 PM EDT
An emergency room nurse, female, I know told me years ago that wives physically abusing their husband was far more common than most people thought. She said men don't fight back because it's not right to hit a woman, and because if they did, they'd get blamed by cops and courts.
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Posted by feliciamaisey on Sep 05, 2010, 12:49 PM EDT
This article sheds on an ever-increasing problem world-wide. As an abuse survivor, I have met both men and women, like myself who did not sign on for the garbage that was handed us--the courts need to start listening to the children, who too often witness the abuse an who are highly toxified by it, and they need to get these men counseling. There is nothing kinder than a man who loves his wowman and children, and who keeps his physical strength out of the argument, but that should not set him up for victim-hood either. BTW_ Southern Pride--you are a revolting thinker.
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Posted by dogronnie on Sep 05, 2010, 12:36 PM EDT
If I were getting abused by my wife, I;d poison the b^&*!!
Report abuse
Posted by judiron on Sep 05, 2010, 12:07 PM EDT
I feel so sorry for these abused men. Oh my, poor babies. They can yell back, or walk out. Sounds like they have no guts.
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Posted by StevieWeavie on Sep 05, 2010, 12:07 PM EDT
I'm glad to see this type of article. Our society has a very closed minds when it comes to this amongst many other things. Most people can not imagine a man being abused by his wife. The norm is a woman being abused by her man. Many police do not care to be involved in domestic abuse. They can be very harsh to the people involved which only adds to the hurt and humiliation. So, what do they do? There are many men out there who wants to be close to his family and have the fear of losing them through divorce. The court system today usually sides with the woman and can get full custody and in most cases today, get fifty percent custody. If you have a wife who is abusive especially psycologically, remaining a part of your childrens lives can be a constant battle. I don't know how the court system is in Ireland but I do know people here in the U.S. who have fifty, fifty custody. The court feels that this is fair but I do see how it is also hard on the kids with the parent who is the "Hardest" parent. What is the right decision? Who knows, each situation is differen and the judge never knows the whole truth. I just believe that staying in the abusive relation is not good physically or emotionally. The stress can kill you, tear you apart hense the suicide attempts. I say, "Get the heck out of the relationship". Make new friends and take care of your kids the best you can. Either way it is tough on the children. If you stay, the kids see the abuse and they grow up thinking it is okay, which will effect the rest of their lives. Is that fair to them? Relationships are supposed to be about loving, sharing, and being as one. Yes, they will be hurt when you separate but as time goes on they will understand, it may be five years it may be ten but they will understand because they see more of what is going on than you can even imagine. Kids have eyes, ears and a mind also.
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Posted by norinalundy on Sep 05, 2010, 11:13 AM EDT
Southernpride - get a grip. I've seen this type of abuse at the hand of alcoholic, abusive women. These guys are not gay, they are kind, still in love with these women, and they know that if they actually went back at some of these bitches, they would kill them. To go to jail for a heavy hand - no way. These guys are better suited to raise their children then a mother who is out of control. Ask some of your friends who grew up in this situation.
Report abuse
Posted by Portia777 on Sep 05, 2010, 09:00 AM EDT
Keaveney ‘s wife succeeded in getting a barring order against him after he told her that he wanted to separate. He was only allowed supervised access to their three children even though he was the victim. After a long court battle, he now has custody of the children." That is the same as happens to women when their husbands are violent and abusive and state agents teach them that ALL women make up DV. We need to take the gender out of this as it is the patriarchal system diving and ruling and pitting men and women against each other while it rules and controls both. I have many cases where mothers have not seen their children for years by order of the courts because the judges feel that strong violent fathers are better at keeping control on children through fear. The battered men find it diffilult to cope and suicide out selfishly but most battered mothers continue on and wait for the children to reach adulthood and return.
Report abuse
Posted by Southernpride on Sep 05, 2010, 08:47 AM EDT
Gay men should never marry women.
 


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