'Irish Viagra,' and the law about Irish jokes

As a renowned expert and a professional expert as well, I often receive so-called "Irish jokes" in the course of my highly intellectual and serious research in advanced expertise at university.

Many unenlightened people turn to me with great hope as Saint Patrick's Day beckons, begging that I (again) tell them the centuries-old rules and regulations regarding the telling of Irish jokes.

The original law dates from the time of Jesus Christ (yes, HIM), and, while it has been amended a few times in the Ottomanolean and Napoleonicusean eras, the original law is still very much intact.

No flushing money (or water) down toilet in Ireland!

Once again, the Irish have come to the rescue of civilization. It's truly the nation where you can spell "progress" with a capital "pee."

What gentleman has not tired of the hours wasted over a lifetime by flushing urinals in the men's room? While it does afford a precious moment for the relieved user to compose himself for appearance in a more-public place -- and is also a clever mental distraction to those for whom "getting started" can be a problem -- it is also undeniable that a great deal of water is used with all this flushing.

And for what? Have we forgotten about a little thing called "gravity"? Fortunately, Irish scientists have not, and have come up with the non-flushing waterless urinal, which is even now being tested in the harshest possible environments: the boy's restrooms in Ireland middle schools.

Toasted Irish soccer fans says 'wee' to French bread

This news item really needs no comment from your pal Wolfie, who gladly would have raised his hind leg in support of this Irish patriot!

ROSCOMMON, IRELAND -- A drunken unemployed plasterer who was found urinating on the French loaves section of a large supermarket in protest at the infamous handball incident in the France vs Ireland World Cup qualifier, was this week given a suspended sentence, fined and bound over to keep the peace.

Frances "Smokie" Larkin of County Roscommon pleaded guilty to the incident at Maher's ValueStore supermarket, Killareagh, one week after the match which Ireland controversially drew after the French goal was deemed to have scored despite a blatant handball by French striker Thierry Henry.

It's a miracle fer sure

Patrick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

The Cathedral of St. Mel Gibson! What an idea!

At long last, there's an Irish Catholic bishop to talk about who isn't involved in the child abuse scandal! (At least, not yet...) Bishop Colm O'Reilly of Longford, take a bow!

Get a load of this guy! So on Christmas Day, his beautiful St. Mel's Cathedral burns right to the ground. Everybody's heartbroken, and when it comes to the $12M tab for rebuilding it, everybody's just plain broke. But is O'Reilly a beaten bishop? No!

He knows that super-rich superstar Hollywood heavyweight Mel Gibson's mother, Anne Reilly, hails from near the town of Longford, and that the actor is actually named after St. Mel himself.

The Queen of Farts can stay in her British palace, and away from Ireland

Here's a howler from Wolfie: The New Year may bring a royal visitor to Ireland!

More like a royal flush to my way of thinking, if Queen Lizzie accepts an invitation to visit Dublin extended by the usually sane Irish president, Mary McAleese.

Speaking on the "Late Late Show," she said: "I'd like to think it could happen. I've long since been on the record as saying I think it could be one of the greatest symbols of where we have moved to as a country if we had that great reconciliation with our neighbor.

Let's avoid 'Mass' lunacy on Christmas

Kanye West's worst mistake: French booze

Posted by wolfhound at 9/16/2009 3:33 PM EDT

It didn’t take long for Kanye West to apologize for his behavior at Sunday night’s MTV Video Music Awards.

Hey, did ya hear the one about the drunk Brit who...

Posted by wolfhound at 8/9/2009 6:56 PM EDT

It always brings a smile to Wolfie's fangs when what goes around, comes around.

No nation on earth has done more to paint the Irish as a land of drunks and losers than Britain. For a Brit, an Irish joke comes as easily and a lot more often as a fart after a meal, and that's why this news item FROM A REAL AND PROPER BRITISH NEWS WEBSITE (Oops, the "caps" key must have gotten stuck! Damn these furry paws...) is such a wonderful treat.

Public service announcement for all travelers to Britain

Posted by wolfhound at 7/24/2009 4:13 PM EDT

With tourist season in full swing, Britain is set for an invasion by thousands of diseased chipmunks coming from France, experts tell Sky News.

Catholic League Pope Bill Donohue is truly "Angela's Arse"

Posted by wolfhound at 7/20/2009 3:57 PM EDT

Even among jaded New Yorkers, there are few people low enough to speak ill of the dead, much less shyte on their still-warm bodies.

This happily solitary voice from a century best forgotten chirps up every now and then to condemn this and decry that, as this is the only kind of language he is familiar with. If it's not in Donohue's version of the Bible, which he authored himself to ensure accuracy, it's evil and off to hell with you.

Just call this Irish farmer "Big Mac"

Posted by wolfhound at 6/20/2009 9:43 PM EDT

In every field of human endeavor, there are those for whom "good" is just not good enough.

And so it is with both Irish pride and gratitude that Wolfie salutes an old cattle rancher from (pardon me if my spelling is slightly innacurate) County Awfully, whose little patch of heaven has just been named a "flagship farm" by McDonald's. (Maybe it'll be renamed "Old McDonald's Farm! Ha, ha! But I digress...)

Kristin Gillibrand, the Senator whose word is as good as broken

Posted by wolfhound at 6/19/2009 1:29 PM EDT

New York Sen. Kristin Gillibrand certainly did her election prospects no good when she broke her promise to at a major Irish-American event Thursday night.

The event had been switched from Wednesday to Thursday night about a month ago -- to facilitate the senator's "busy schedule."

What recession? Sen. Chris Dodd can do the impossible!

Posted by wolfhound at 6/13/2009 11:11 PM EDT

While everybody has been belly-aching about foreclosures and plummeting property values, the wise Connecticut senator, Chris Dodd, has literally performed a miracle.

'Turd world' nations steal from All-American IrishCentral!

For all of you idiots who think Wolfie just makes up the facts in this blog, try this one on for size!

Because I have GENUINE, IRREFUTABLE PROOF of them this time.

The simple facts are these:

Memo to Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, et al

Posted by wolfhound at 5/24/2009 1:23 PM EDT

Bill, Warren and all your very, very rich friends:

Wolfie is DELIGHTED to learn from his pal Niall O'Dowd that the real reason all you rich folks met in secret was to discuss how you could give away all your money!

Bless me, Father, but YOU have sinned!

Posted by wolfhound at 5/20/2009 2:06 PM EDT

As fast as my paws can hit the keyboard, the clergy child abuse scandal in Ireland is EXPLODING.

It's worse than anyone could have imagined. The numbers are staggering, and the emerging details of the coverups by Church bigwigs will be the next Cardinal's red shoe to drop.

Scientists discover heaviest known element - governmentium

Posted by wolfhound at 5/18/2009 10:22 AM EDT

Morning, wolf cubs!

Just a quick gem from my fellow forest-dweller, The Magpie, who leaves his droppings at The Irish Times in Dublin. Although it's numerically correct only for the Irish government, feel free to re-calculate it using your own currency.

Mag editor's boss decides his man doesn't hate St. Patrick's Day after all

Posted by wolfhound at 4/26/2009 8:31 PM EDT

It took a while for The Wolfhound's bark to be heard all the way up in Westchester County, but as always, Wolfie gets results!

Alert readers, if any, will recall that Wolfie took slight offense when the editor of Westchester magazine (now the "senior editor"), Robert Schork, penned a work of blood whose first sentence was "I hate St. Patrick's Day." His vile nonsense summoned up all the usual stereotypes of mobs of raving, drunken parade-goers who ruined his northward commute to the psychiatric center by remaining happy.

Wolfie 'drops' two names: Paul Krugman and David Starkey

Posted by wolfhound at 4/24/2009 4:08 PM EDT

This was one of those weeks that The Wolfhound just could not decide who merited his first prestigious “Wolf Droppings” award. Sometimes, there’s just one idiot too many out there for a single winner.

So, Wolfie has had to split the award in half between two half-wits: New York Times employee Paul Krugman, the grand oracle of the U.S. economic scene, who has joined the out-of-tune chorus condemning Ireland to financial ruin; and elderly British outpatient David Starkey, a man who is both history and a historian.

'I'd like to say hello. But the Church won't let me.'

Posted by wolfhound at 4/7/2009 2:21 PM EDT

First off, let me say that The Wolfhound is a good -- well, tries to be a good Irish Catholic (wolfhound).

Vomit on Robert!

Posted by wolfhound at 3/14/2009 8:05 PM EDT

Let's just get this out in the open. The Wolfhound hates Robert Schork. Hates him like a fart in a phonebooth.

Robert, or “Mr. Schork” or “Hey you!” to his friends, is at the helm of the well-known Westchester magazine, and declared in a recent column that he “hates St. Patrick’s Day.”