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Periscope by Niall O'Dowd

When darkness comes and illness strikes a child; My flood of letters from families who live in great pain

Posted on Thursday, April 05, 2012 at 05:59 AM

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Periscope: Rory Staunton, a beautiful boy, leaves this earth. The hardest column I will ever have to write

I have been overwhelmed by e mails and letters about Rory Staunton, my 12-year-old nephew who tragically passed from a toxic bacterial infection in New York on April 1st.

Many of the letters are from families who underwent such heartrending events themselves.

They are all heartfelt and profound and fill me full of admiration for the honesty and rawness they proclaim and how they offer advice on how to cope.

They describe their own struggle to cope, some describe their haunted sense that if they had done something differently it would not have ended up in the death of their child.

They are wrong to blame themselves of course, but as one person wrote, "the future was stolen from us, all our hopes and dreams."

Several close friends relayed family tragedies to me that I never knew about.

One described the death of a sister, another, a niece killed on her 16th birthday, another whose son's child died and the distraught mother later committed suicide.

I feel like I have been introduced to something hiding in plain sight, the tragic losses at the hearts of so many families who bear the burden so silently and heroically in many cases.

Since Rory died I have been enveloped in a new reality that will change me for ever.

Watching him pass away was the worst weekend and event of my life.

What was looking like a totally humdrum New York weekend was shattered by a knock on my door at 5.a.m and an urgent call to rush to the hospital.

I had known earlier in the week that Rory was running a temperature and frankly, had not thought much about it. These things happen to kids all the time.

I literally took a step back and felt my legs go weak when Greg, the boyfriend of my niece, informed me how sick he suddenly was.

I had to close the door on him to pull myself together, I had to stop my heart racing frantically.

My wife Debbie was equally unbelieving. This wasn't really happening was it? Our Rory at death's door?

From then on unreality took over. The visit to the hospital and the intensive care unit, the increasingly grim prognosis as the virus did its deadly work, the desperate efforts to save him.

I know now it is a scene that was repeated for so many over the years, among those who wrote to me. It is one I will never wish even on my greatest enemy.

I thank those readers for starting a conversation and for making me understand what had never been so clear before.

When death came like a thief in the night and takes a child nothing will ever be the same again.

A tribute to Rory created by his classmates:

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21 comments

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Collette2 | Apr 08, 2012, 12:10 PM EDT

Here is nothing more humbling than to stand in anothers shoes. Condolences to you, your family and other's who have lost a beloved child. Henry Scott Holland wrote a beautiful poem which I often give a copy of at times like this which in part says: "I am but waiting for you, somewhere very near, I have only slipped away into another room". Death is nothing at all.

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bunkerhill | Apr 06, 2012, 12:52 PM EDT

Dear Niall - Once again we would like to extend our heartfelt sympathy to yourself and all Rory's family. One consolation we see is that Rory spent his short life surrounded by love and will now experience that eternally. If you do want to start a fund to one of Rory's causes we would be very glad to contribute. Maybe Rory had a special mission we cannot comprehend.

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Mary Caulfield | Apr 06, 2012, 11:48 AM EDT

Premature death of a loved one, a child, a sibling, a parent, is a special category of grief. While all loss is excruciating, the loss of someone God put in your life to be a part of your own development has a handicapping effect. You become a sort of emotional amputee, part of your life will not develop normally. But unlike a physical injury, people in the world don't see this, they can not help compensate, and you have innumberable moments of agony no one intended. I lost my mother when I was eight, my father when I was 23. Up until my peers began to lose their own parents in a more timely manner, they unintentionally cut me to the quick a million times. "Don't you hate it when your mother. . .?" "We're taking my Dad out for Father's Day," "My mom sent me home with leftovers," "My parents bought me a computer, helped with the downpayment, are taking care of the kids" etc. etc. You said it well that premature loss is a condition hiding in plain sight. We can never tell what another is experiencing until we walk in their shoes. I pray for you, Mr. O'Dowd, and all of Rory's family that God send His spirit to assuage your pain with all speed and mercy. May H e carry you all in the palm of His hand until you can walk on your own again.

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jpearse146 | Apr 06, 2012, 08:16 AM EDT

Rest in peace sweet Rory. Spread your wings and fly.

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Fosterhse | Apr 05, 2012, 09:55 PM EDT

When we lose our parents we lose our past, when we lose our spouse we lose our present, when we lose a child we lose our future.

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sirpeter | Apr 05, 2012, 06:37 PM EDT

What a tragic loss.So final

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kcceltic | Apr 05, 2012, 06:29 PM EDT

I completely understand what they are feeling. I am 10 years down the path of loss after holding my 19 year old son as he died of cancer. The darkness of grief is terrifing and realizing that this is part of your new reality is depressing. I could say it gets better but that is a lie. You learn how to live with your loss and how to survive the times of darkness.

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debbill72 | Apr 05, 2012, 03:47 PM EDT

I know the pain, its still with me, we lost our teenage son from a car vs semi truck accident 19 yrs ago, the Eric Clapton song you have on thr RIP video was on the cd he gave us for Christmas a month before he died.

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borefield | Apr 05, 2012, 01:25 PM EDT

Niall, thank you for sharing this very painful and sad experience with your IC and IA family of readers. I am pulling for you as I'm sure everyone else is. My prayers are with you and Rory's parents and siblings.

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ancavker | Apr 05, 2012, 01:02 PM EDT

Niall: My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It is these kinds of sad events, that really outs things in perspective. God Bless you.

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jcampbell | Apr 05, 2012, 12:22 PM EDT

Niall, My heart goes to you and your family. When my 22 year old daughter died someone gave me a card to remind me that "Katy was just in the next room" This thought has always made me smile and think of her in a happy moment. It is had to do at first but it is a lifesaver in the long run. Judy

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Searlit | Apr 05, 2012, 11:14 AM EDT

As one of your loyal readers, I'll continue to be here, as you move through your grief. Your whole family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Ajreaper | Apr 05, 2012, 10:59 AM EDT

Having a close friend who lost a son he constantly reminds people that absolutely nothing should ever take priority over family- the deadline at work never trumps getting to your childs play, ball game or school activity and always look for excuses to do things as a family. I can think of no greater tragedy then for a parent to have to bury a child- I will hold you and your family in my thoughts a prayers.

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Roman11 | Apr 05, 2012, 10:56 AM EDT

This type of infection strikes so randomly and quickly; I am so sad that stories like this are what brings them to light at all. RIP Rory; hearts are breaking everywhere, even among those of us who did not know him.

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Murph46 | Apr 05, 2012, 10:55 AM EDT

Niall ,when I see the absurd takes of people in these posts's ,all I need is to think back to your column on Rory to bring me back to reality.I hope you realize that he was lucky to have you as a friend and relative during his too brief life!

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