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| Explaining your name at Starbucks can be a task |
It's Monday morning and the egregiously perky barista is waiting to take my coffee order. I look at her askance, the way the Irish do when confronted with perkiness.
As I get closer to the counter I have an inner dialogue with myself that goes like this -- should I tell her, should I not?
I'm not about to make an unexpected marriage proposal. I'm not coming out to her either. It's nothing nearly so interesting.
She's undeniably attractive, but that's not why I'm in Starbucks. All I want is an Iced Skinny Mocha or a Pike Place Roast. The trouble is in a few moments she's going to ask me for my name.
“Can I have your name?” she asks me.
See. Since coming to America I've discovered that there's a right answer for this. It's John or Chris or George or Tom. It's even Brandon, or Jacob or Mason or Noah.
What it is not, most assuredly, is Daithi, Fergus, Lorcan or Malachi. It will always be too early for that ethnic stuff.
“My name is, my name is...” Suddenly I'm a character in a Brian Friel play, with all of the painful cultural displacement that implies. In my head I'm suddenly shivering in a hedge school in Co. Donegal in 1830, with the morning dew dripping onto my copy of Ovid's Metamorphosis.
What is my name, I ask myself, panicking? The barista is looking at me like she suspects I must have forgotten it.
Then inspiration strikes. “My name is – Algernon Moncrieff.”
That's solved it. No one is going to notice I'm the lead character in Oscar Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest. No one in this line probably even knows it exists.
I've dodged a bullet and the morning keeps on moving without error. Score one for the paddies.
“Can you spell that?” she asks. Oops. Not quite the assured save I thought it was.
“A-L,” I reply.
“Didn't you say it was Al-geron or something?”
I nod quickly. God help me, what else can I do?
“How do you spell that?”
“A-L-G-E-R-N-O-N,” I say. Behind me the crowd is already growing restive.
Who is this idiot with the old timey name? Doesn't he have the sense to realize he's making us wait? We have busy lives, goddammit.
Why does he have to have such a stupid name anyhow? He doesn't even look like an Algerwhosis.
“That's a real cute name,” says the barista. “I like that name a lot. I think it's the best name I've heard all week,” she says.
She's obviously had her coffee; it would be nice if I could too. But oh no, I had to create a commotion, didn't I?
I had to be clever, and now look at the result. She thinks my name is adorable, but the lady behind me now wants to thrash me with her Louis Vuitton purse.
I could have just told her my real name, I realize too late. Now I have a twinge of unexpected regret about the very act that moments ago I had considered unthinkable.
Imagine how her perky little nose would have contorted as I unpacked that linguistic firework. I wait 24 hours.
“Car-har?” she says the next day. “Ka-hir? You Palestinian?”
She's blinking at me as she waits for the answer. “Cah-huh? Is that right?” The line behind me that had already faltered now comes to a total standstill.
Everyday, the world over, Irish people are bringing international commerce to a grinding halt with their names. All they have to do is insist they be called by the name they were given and watch the chaos ensue.
But my Irish name is my talisman. I wear it like an amulet and it has stood the test of time to me. It distinguishes me in many of the same ways my nationality does.
I can tell who likes me, and who does not, just from the way they pronounce it, or fail to pronounce it.
That's a great gift, I long ago realized. It reveals people, it reveals me too.
I'm not about to surrender it to a system that wants me to be someone else so they don't have to think about it. I don't want anyone else to do so either. Let them learn how to say it and who it describes.
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Switch to the desktop site to post a comment.KMcSinger | Mar 27, 2013, 01:12 PM EDT
This was a lovely article that really made me smile as an Irish person living in America. I particularly liked the line "I look at her askance, the way the Irish do when confronted with perkiness." So true . . .
citeog | Mar 25, 2013, 11:29 AM EDT
Very funny. On my one and only foray into Fourbucks (because that's how much it costs) I was accompanied by my son Ciaron. Between his name and my ordering a cup of black tea (don't even get me started on the cup sizes) the barista had a headache. The crowd of nouveau riche tossers behind us were very put off by my inability to speak Fourbucks fluently. I used to get the same reaction in Ireland in the sixties when I would refuse english money in any transaction (for those of you too young to remember, both currencies were legal tender until 1972).
Seanmor | Mar 24, 2013, 10:14 PM EDT
Nuair a rugadh i London mé tugadh an t-ainm John dom.Ach an chéad lá a bhîos ar schoil i gCo. Chorcaige scrîobh an múinteoir m'ainmn mar Seán.Ón lá sin is fearr liom an fhoirm sin ná John. I much prefer to use Seán as my name to John, which I was christened in London.
Smyrnian | Mar 24, 2013, 03:30 PM EDT
Eireamach - excellent point. I did not name may daughter Caitlin for that exact reason even though I wanted to very much. Went to Cathleen instead. Worked out fine.
eiriamach | Mar 24, 2013, 03:17 PM EDT
Once I gave the Irish pronunciation to the name of a young relative of mine -- Caitlin. "No," she protested loudly, "My name is KateLynn." But her parents spelled her name "Caitlin" on her birth certificate. If you want your child to be called "Kate-Lynn," name her "Kate-Lynn," not Caitlin. There's no 'K' in Gaeilge, so 'Kate-Lynn' gets an Anglicized pronunciation. If Americans learned some foreign language in school, perhaps they'd be willing to learn how to pronounce non-Anglo names.
Scrivner | Mar 24, 2013, 12:05 AM EDT
Mousemess, of course the English tongue muddles foreign names, especially if it's an American or Australian tongue doing the muddling. On an Austrian map, I dare you to find Vienna, you will find Wien, of course you have heard how the French pronounce their capital city, quite unlike an English speaker does. Where do you put the accent when you say the name Hiroshima? Depends where you are at. (Fine motor cars come out of that city, too). So take some pity on those who look amazed when an Irish speaks Irish, guide them gently so that they may also learn to enjoy the poetry.
Mousemess | Mar 23, 2013, 07:39 PM EDT
La amhain i Meiricea, d'eist me le fear a bhfuil "Cianan" an t-ainm do. Ainm deas Gaelach. Nil fadhb a bith aige mar gheall ar a ainm. Bhi brod ciuin ag an bhfear seo ar an t-ainm ata aige. One day in America, I listened to a man whose name is Cianan. A nice Irish Gaelic name. He had no problem at all because of his name. This man had a quiet pride in his name. Citizen Why, Try An Cnoc pronouned un cnoc No need to ruin a perfectly good Irish Gaelic name with unnecessary Anglocization Knock...no An Cnoc, please. Do Germans, Icelandic people, French people, etc feel a need to ruin their place and personal names with Anglocization or with English language intervention, NO! Neither do proud speakers of the Irish language.
bunkerhill | Mar 23, 2013, 11:23 AM EDT
Going way back in time I remember my elderly Irish uncle being shown his new great granddaughter Shannon. She's beautiful he said. Is she named after the river or the airport.
bunkerhill | Mar 23, 2013, 10:51 AM EDT
What happened to the Marys and Johns. In my mother's nursing home if you called Mary half of the elderly Irish ladies turned to you and the other half answered to Margaret. It was really confusing. Cahir could have said "Brooklyn" which is a perfectly acceptable name today, along with "Apple." I can understand all the girls carrying the name of Mary the Mother of Jesus, but who the heck was this Margaret that so many were named for. There were also so many Mary Margarets and Margaret Marys. Does anyone know who Margaret was?
IrelandNorth | Mar 22, 2013, 03:57 PM EDT
CAHIR T[ipperar]Y (Cathair[chair/seat/city?]): Stone Fort. (Flanagan, Deirdre & Laurence Flanagan. Irish Place Names. Dublin: Gill & Macmillan, 2002 p 187). Ó Dochartaigh, from dochartach, meaning 'unlucky' or 'hurtful'. Grenham, John and Myra Maguire. Irish Family Names. London: HarperCollins, 1997 p 87).
anglo-norman | Mar 22, 2013, 03:43 PM EDT
I do agree with Cahir about the 'perkiness' It is so stupidly annoying.
johnshiel | Mar 22, 2013, 10:32 AM EDT
this site surely has some fine namecalling... even though much of it is odoriferous, imagine all those namescalled, excised from their contexts and listed, collected, exposited... like a linguistic weapon shop... with notation of frequency of use, and greater acclaim accorded to the least commonly used... maybe an IC special on the Top Ten Rarest Namecalling Creations By Irish Central Readers... it has possibilities, no? Then there could be a Top Ten Most Scathing Insults... Funniest... Most Uncensored... Dirtiest... Most Snobbish... could truly liven up the top ten lists we're served up so often, eh?
BrianO | Mar 22, 2013, 10:05 AM EDT
I like how cahir manages to put down the barista, starbucks, the people who are customers of starbucks, and America, all at the same time. This story reminds me of another Cahir classic, the barista bum on the new york bench that cahir never did help out, just used him for a story, a way to make a buck. What a heartless capitalist you are Algernon
Eireannach | Mar 22, 2013, 09:14 AM EDT
I agree with jamieLM. Sounds a little self-obsessed? What about all the European and Asian names out there - get over yourself already!
johnshiel | Mar 22, 2013, 09:11 AM EDT
afraid to be surly? don't; it's all theatre anyway, y'know... just tell 'em "no, I'll give you money for coffee but no name." and if they persist that they need something to mark your cup with, ask for the dollar sign on yours. besides being theatre, it's a commercial transaction and let's not confuse that, dear ms. perkiness...
johnshiel | Mar 22, 2013, 09:03 AM EDT
afraid to be surly? don't; it's all theatre anyway, y'know... just tell 'em "no, I'll give you money for coffee but no name." and if they persist that they need something to mark your cup with, ask for the dollar sign on yours. besides being theatre, it's a commercial transaction and let's not confuse that, dear ms. perkiness...
maryemoore | Mar 22, 2013, 12:51 AM EDT
My friend's name is Meredith and you should see how they mangle her name. She posts the malapropisms when they occur. (keeping on the Oscar Wilde theme). Today it was Neredith. Another time it was Megeth.
pilib04 | Mar 21, 2013, 05:58 PM EDT
Cahir would certainly be more difficult than those mentioned.
Searlit | Mar 21, 2013, 01:05 PM EDT
Relax-x-xx- Cahir, maybe you're drinking too much of that strong Starbucks coffee. As usual eiriamach has the most interesting comment, although I like slainte9, too.
slainte9 | Mar 21, 2013, 11:19 AM EDT
I prefer this essay to denunciation journalism. Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.
CitizenWhy | Mar 21, 2013, 11:02 AM EDT
Try Ngo, pronounced Knock.
antoman | Mar 20, 2013, 07:09 PM EDT
If I handed you a coffee it would taste lovely on account I'm Irish. The same applies to beer and food.
Mairin67 | Mar 20, 2013, 04:17 PM EDT
Jamie, I couldn't agree more. I want to know where the author lives as there seems to be all nice plain pronounceable names there according to him...not here in the hospital world. lol
eiriamach | Mar 20, 2013, 01:08 PM EDT
Perfect! Oscar Wilde's play satirizes our obsessions with names. I have an ordinary name, so I like the idea of a Starbuck's pseudonym. Next time I'm there, I'll tell the barista I'm Algernon's alter ego, the reclusive Bunbury, or silly Cecily, who finds "wicked" Algernon fascinating. Or maybe I'll go with the mood of the day and opt for Lady Bracknell, Miss Prism, Merriman, or even Dr. Chasuble. . . .
jamieLM | Mar 20, 2013, 01:08 PM EDT
@Cahir, instead of wasting everyone's time, why don't you just pronounce your name and spell it up front and say it's Irish if it's so important that some server gets it right? In the U.S., all names can have varied spellings and pronunciations, even "Jamie" - Jayme, Jaime, Jaymee. (As an RN dealing with the public, no names/spellings/pronunciations surprise me.) Servers and wait-staff are being paid to serve, not waste time pondering over anyone's nationality. When I don't feel like spelling "Jamie" and my Irish married surname, I use "Kate Smith." The server couldn't care less. He/she is being paid to do a job, not to become my personal friend or to spend time thinking about my nationality or the spelling of my full name. If anyone asks about my surname, I say it's "Irish." I can count the times that's ever happened on one finger and that person wasn't born in America.