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Manhattan Diary by Cahir O'Doherty

Ex-gay therapy works! Can I marry your daughter!

Posted on Wednesday, June 15, 2011 at 09:48 AM

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Why are you looking at me like that? It's a perfectly normal request. I'm in love with your daughter. I would like your blessing to marry her.

She's such a nice girl, Eunice.

The first thing I really noticed about her was her perfume. The day we met she swept past me in a majestic cloud of Miss Dior Chérie. I mean to say, I would know that fragrance anywhere. It's an audacious little chypre with a citrusy freshness and a jasmine heart sprinkled with fruity notes. So chic, so classic.

It was, what's the word, kismet.

On our first date I took her to see a show: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert live on Broadway. Well I thought each number was absolutely fabulous but she dozed off through the whole second act, the little dear.

But I just know we're a match made in heaven. No, we really are. No, we are. I mean she's obsessed with kitchenware and I'm all about fabrics. Oh who told you I designed her bridal gown myself?

Oh, for goodness sake's don't tell me you're still a little worried about all that - gay stuff - in my past? Oh desist! Oh, silly! Oh, that's gone with the wind. C'est finis! A though it never happened. Poof.

You see what I did - let me explain - was I joined this darling little Christian slash pop-psychology slash bigoted slash buzz saw ex-gay group I found online. You know, one of those marvelous little online groups that specialize in early HTML and hate gay people so much you really want to shower afterwards?

One of those.
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Well can I tell you that they were supremely helpful! They taught me I was immoral and unnatural and desperately sick and so - since those were my choices - I'm completely cured now!

All it took was for someone to repeatedly abuse and belittle me, and to tell me over and over how deeply, depressingly evil I was. That's all it ever takes. That's not bullying, that's benevolence.

Thanks to them I now realize there's no future in being gay - and that, as a matter of fact, there's no such thing as being 'gay' in the first place! It's not an orientation, it's a lifestyle - like joining a motorcycle club.

No one is born gay. Ever. They choose to be gay. They just wake up one day and say I want to be utterly sensational. I want to stand at variance. I want to make a holy show of myself. Most of all I really want to annoy upstanding white Christian ladies. And that's just the start of the slippery slope.

You see at heart all gay people are poisonous little narcissists. They want to stand out. They crave the spotlight. But my little ex-gay group blatantly beat me right back into conformity. With the bible and of course the ballot. And it's was all for my own good.

So I'm straight now. Yup, completely hetero. For reals. I even like Mets games. In fact I often like to stroll around with a gun. And I'd like to marry your daughter. Your only daughter. And bring her happiness. Years of it.

That's what marriage is, remember - one man and one woman. Adam and Eve. I'm taking your daughter to the the alter, sweetie.

You know it's what God really wants for us.

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jamieLM | Jun 16, 2011, 07:00 PM EDT

2BorNot2B: 2 adults who want to enter into marriage is not the same as the killing of an unborn baby. No one dies when 2 gay people get married. I respectfully disagree with your point of view. I'm a female who is attracted to men and no amount of therapy could ever change that. I think people are in denial when they claim therapy has changed them from gay to straight. I do believe some people can be celibate, but that doesn't change who they're attracted to.

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jamieLM | Jun 16, 2011, 11:24 AM EDT

Also, this therapy business is nonsense. All the therapy in the world wouldn't turn me into a lesbian. I suppose gay people can make a choice not to engage in homosexual activities, but that doesn't make them "straight.'

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jamieLM | Jun 16, 2011, 10:45 AM EDT

I think people are born gay and that sexuality is best viewed on a spectrum - bisexual, asexual, gay, straight. I understand why some people find gay orientation morally abhorent, but gays should not be denied their civil and legal rights on the basis of someone else's religious beliefs and/or personal objections. All Americans are created equal under the law, and that includes gay people. My heterosexual marriage is not threatened by gay people being allowed to marry. I don't march in Gay Pride parades and I'm not involved in any gay/lesbian organizations. My focus is trying to be a law-abiding, productive citizen of the U.S. and a good Christian wife, mother, and nurse. Christ commanded that we "love one another." In relationship to gay people, for me that means tolerance, acceptance, and freedom from persecution - legally and physically.

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olovely | Jun 15, 2011, 05:18 PM EDT

It's not a "lifestyle" it's an orientation. You missed his point. Also, "your" laws are shoving your intolerance down his throat, and not the other way around.

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2BorNot2B | Jun 15, 2011, 05:05 PM EDT

OK, I'll admit it, I like humorous sarcasm, especially the type where the author is not so thin-skinned and lacking in self confidence as to use all the stereotypes and come out with an effective parody that will amuse and make a point. --- However, Stereotypes exist on both sides, and to be fair and balanced, contrary to the ones pushed by the the gay people, we the Christian-heteros could care less who among their kind they bugger! It is only when gays are aggressively obsessed with overlooking science, changing laws and making us accept their lifestyle as 'normal' and respectable that we have a right to balk. Keep it to yourselves, don't rub on our face and everyone will be happy. As Rodney King famously said: "Uh, uh.. cain't we awll 'jus git along?"

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eiriamach | Jun 15, 2011, 04:17 PM EDT

AngelPrecious, you are so "brainwashed" that it went right over your head too. The author is not a sexual libertine: "I'm taking your daughter to the alter, sweetie. . . . You know it's what God really wants for us." Marriage should be equally available to all. No one should be excluded except those who choose celibacy. For all others, gay, straight, there should be "the holy estate of matrimony."

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AngelPrecious | Jun 15, 2011, 03:46 PM EDT

Interesting but ya know, I guess I am one still hung up on Christian values. I can't even begin to believe that gay people can or should be changed into something their not. I do believe gay people are born that way. With that said, I am still brainwashed by my Catholic beliefs (lol) to believe that we are called to holiness and must live chaste lives outside of marriage. Maybe its the cross that gay people must carry. There ARE more difficult ones!

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eiriamach | Jun 15, 2011, 11:58 AM EDT

Brilliant, yes I agree! And funny. And ya just gotta laugh at the fevered fanatics on the far right once in a while, so this article is grand. "All it took was for someone to repeatedly abuse and belittle me, and to tell me over and over how deeply, depressingly evil I was. That's all it ever takes. That's not bullying, that's benevolence." And sexism, and heterosexism, and arrogance and fanaticism. . . .

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Suivness10 | Jun 15, 2011, 11:25 AM EDT

Brilliant.

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howareya | Jun 15, 2011, 11:14 AM EDT

What does this have to do with Ireland. Am I on Ireland Central??/ Oh wait...no maybe not...there's another article about Weiner...is he Irish?

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hollabackgurl | Jun 15, 2011, 10:24 AM EDT

Of course it's stereotypical garbage. Isn't that what ex-gay groups traffic in? You had a cold, distant father. Your mother was overpowering. All of that b.s. I take it he's mocking stereotypes - straight and gay to make a bigger point - that no one really believes gay people can be made straight. If you didn't have such a hair-trigger temper you'd have grasped that. I'm glad he's called these ex-gay groups on their own b.s.

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olovely | Jun 15, 2011, 10:14 AM EDT

It went straight over your head, didn't it?

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JackFknTwist | Jun 15, 2011, 10:08 AM EDT

OK, I've read the above. What a load of stereotypical garbage..... As it's not signed (what a surprise) I take it that it was written by some brainless teenager on a bored afternoon ? None of the comments made in the above attempt at humour are worthy of comment. Now please remove this from the site before you embarrass your self any further.

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