Dear MTN,
I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and everything is great except whenever I bring up marriage he gets weird to the point that I do not bring it up anymore. How long is too long to wait for a proposal? My parents love him and I love his parents. The only thing I can think might be holding him back is that I'm Catholic and he is not religious at all. He knows I want a church wedding, and I know he doesn't want a mass. He would need to take some classes in order for us to have a mass in a Catholic church. My three sisters all got married in the church with a mass, so it is really important to my family.
Do you think this is the problem, or do you think there is something else wrong that he does not want to marry me?
- Traci
Dear Traci,
I would have no way of knowing if there is anything else preventing him from proposing to you, however I am sure that this is a huge problem for him. If he is not religious at all, for him to have to take the necessary classes in order to get married in the Catholic church with a mass, is a huge undertaking. If he does this for you, boy he really loves you...However, please keep in mind that even if he does do this for you, he is probably feeling like he'll be a liar if he sits through the classes. You really are asking a lot of him.
I can understand completely you wanting this type of wedding, being a Catholic myself, however, did you really take the time to decide if he is the right man for you? If you are very religious and he is not, that is a major conflict with compatibility. That could cause many problems later in your marriage.
I think you should ask him if he really is up to taking on the responsibility of taking these classes. Then I think you should ask yourself just how important it is for you to have everything you have dreamed of for your wedding. One of you has to give in for this marriage to take place. I bet he is in no rush to bring this subject up to you, and that is why he hasn't proposed yet.
You need to discuss this with him and decide together if it is meant to be. Only you two can decide that. Best of luck to you. Please let me know what happens.
- MTN
3 Comments
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Switch to the desktop site to post a comment.EphraimKibbey | Dec 30, 2012, 09:39 PM EST
There are several married couples at my Presbyterian Church where one of the spouses is RC. The children alternate Sundays and will be allowed to decide for themselves which religion to follow as adults. Perhaps "Traci" should start investigating different RC priests and churchs to find one that is more suitable to her situation. Monopoly is the bane of both capitalism and religion.
Eschetic | Dec 30, 2012, 07:29 PM EST
I believe in monogamy and marriage, but in a strange way this may be one of the ways we have to notice that Western Culture has changed since World War II. With the divorce rate so far over 50% for so many years now, the number of long term relationships which have not found formally "tying the knot" with all the attendant paperwork important (especially a knot so easily slipped) has also skyrocketed. Perhaps now that most of the population has come to accept the idea of marriage equality for all, the gay community may actually resuscitate a valuable institution the straight community has all but destroyed. There are strong legal benefits in testamentary, tax and health law (the institution of marriage IS society's way of encouraging stable relationships which are in everybody's best interest), and whether it comes sooner or later (my partner and I finally married this year after 31 years together recognized by both our family and friends - we got rings for our 20th Anniversary) the partners should be READY to take a lifetime commitment seriously. NOone should *have* to be married to validate a loving relationship, but it needs to be an available option for any couple. The partner questioning "shouldn't he put a ring on it after seven years" might want to check the laws of the state they live (or have lived) in; he or she may already BE married. There are still a surprising number of "common law marriage" states, and if the couple lived openly AS a recognized couple in one of them for the requisite amount of time, he may already have "put a metaphorical ring in it!"
J.D.McCaffrey | Dec 30, 2012, 12:04 PM EST
I can sympathize with this fellow. I went through what he's trying to avoid. As a lifelong atheist, I saw no reason to sit and listen to some old mumbling priest constantly test my "faith," which i freely admitted to him didn't exist. Then his mumbled utterances of sad disappointment, issued in a patronizing way, and his insistence on going through the "who made me" rigermarold and having me repeat it. I'm a pretty assertive fellow and I put up with it, and with all the old aunts and uncles tisk tisking at every (EVERY!) family gathering. Maybe this fellow is a private kind of guy and doesn't want that kind of garbage thrown at him. Catholics, especially Irish Catholics, seem to assume that your private thoughts and opinions are their business. Mine are their business only if I care to make them their business, but the relatives have no sense of anyone else's boundaries when it comes to religion. And of course every family has the old Jesuit they drag out, or the lecturing Sister so-and-so propped up to meet the young feller. Tell that anxious lass to respect her young man's opinions, even if they include his desire to be free from her religion. If she can't, then that's her tough luck. JMc