The Matchmaker

Dear MTN,

I need your advice before I lose another girlfriend. I've been going with a nice girl for almost six months now. Things were great in the beginning but lately she's been on my case because I like playing cards with my buddies a few times a week. She was fine with this when we first met, but now that we are talking about getting serious she is constantly bugging me to quit.

I am ready to get married and would consider marrying this one, but not if she continues with her nagging. My last three girlfriends all nagged me about my gambling and I had to break up with all of them.

Why do girls act like everything is fine with you in the beginning and then once they get us, they try and change us? How do you think I should tell my girlfriend I'm not giving up my hobby for anyone, not even her? Thanks for your help. - Brian

Dear Brian,

Dear MTN,

I think I need your advice. I've been dating my boyfriend who is a fireman for ten years now. We both have our own houses, but when my kids stay with my ex-husband every other weekend, he always stays over. Soon my kids will be 18 and I will have to buy my ex out of my house. I cannot afford the mortgage myself and my boyfriend says he doesn't want to sell his house and move into mine. I will have to sell my home and then unless I move in with my boyfriend, I will have to find an apartment for me and my kids. I cannot afford to buy a home right now.

How do I ask my boyfriend if I can move in with him? You would think after dating for ten years I could say anything to him, but he is very weird when it comes to his independence. He found out a couple of months ago something about his pension and needing to put a beneficiary on it, and I naturally assumed it would be me, since he isn't close to his family, but he told me he wasn't ready to add my name on yet. What the hell is that? After ten years and he doesn't know if he should take care of me if he dies?

We have broken up a few times over issues like this in the past, and even though I know I deserve better, I don't feel like going through the trouble of breaking up with him over this, and being single again. I will say, if I did meet a great new guy, I would like to meet a man who wanted to take care of me after dating ten years. What do you think I should do? 

Thank you. 

Dear MTN,

I hear such bad things about matchmaking and dating services that I am fearful of coming in to see you. I am an intelligent, good looking fella with a great job and great family. I am 38 and would love to get married and have kids one day.

I can't stand the Internet anymore with women showing pictures of them from a million years ago, and all the girls I meet in bars are bar flies.

I looked up matchmaking services and found, besides yourself, every one of them have tons of complaints. I must admit I did see a few on your service and was at first shocked until I read them and saw they were about a year and a half ago when you hurt your ankle and had to have one of your employees do the interviews for you. I was very proud of how you handled the situation. I admired how you gracefully explained the situation and saw that you fired that person and all of the complaints were all resolved.

That must have been very hard on you since I know you have been doing this for so long and never had one complaint, then you needed the help of one of your employees and she let you down. Please understand that I own my own business and know that it is impossible to please everyone. I also realize that you are in a very delicate, emotional industry and that must make it even more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I saw what you wrote and understand how hard that situation must have been for you. I see can how your reputation means everything to you. I loved the fact that some of your clients got angry with the few complaints and even stuck up for you. That says a lot about your character.

Why am I bringing this up to you, especially when I already told you that I am nervous about coming in for an appointment? I just wanted you to know that I've seen you before on television and even once when you gave a presentation in person. I can tell you are a very good, solid person. Just like when I get a bad review (because no matter how hard you try, you can never please everyone,) I am sure that it hurt you as it did to me as well. But I can tell you first hand, not to let those few negative reviews from when you went through a difficult time and had to hire someone help you with the interviews, get you down. What you said, and how you said it, people can see that you are a good person, and a smart person will read through the lines and know that you are the best matchmaker in New York. Not just because all the others have tons of bad reviews and you only a small few, but because of how you handled the situation.

Having said that, Maureen Tara, even though I am nervous about coming in, I am actually less nervous coming in now that I did see those reviews...as crazy as it sounds, it proves you are human and no one is perfect! It is not about having to please everyone, as every business person will tell you it's impossible, but it is how a company handled the situation. I give you an A+ for being so professional.

I look very much forward to meeting with you in person!

porn addiction?

Dear MTN,

I really need your help. I've been dating a guy for about a year now and things seem to be going great. I only have one concern and I think I should share it with you for your advice.

Brian, not his real name, looks at porn. A lot! I found out only last week when he left his computer on while he was showering. I admit, I was nosy and I looked at his screen. I was shocked at the pictures of couples having sex. I looked even further into his recent activity and saw multiple porn sites. 

Truthfully, it made me sick...I don't know whether or not to bring this subject matter up to him or not. 

Dear MTN,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and I don't know what to do. I got married to my husband right after college. We dated my entire four years of school and I was madly in love with him. He was the captain of the football team, was very handsome and made me laugh. After we got married we started having children right away. We've been married for 20 years now and have four fabulous children.

I wish I could say I feel the same way about him as I did in college, but I don't. He is not the same man as he was then. He can't keep a job because he now has a terrible temper, he lost most of his hair and is balding, and he gained a lot of weight. He doesn't even try to make himself look good to me anymore. He just doesn't seem to care.

I started a new job last year and I really enjoy it. Now that my kids are older I feel like this is my time. I started working out a few months ago and I'm back into the same size I was in college. People tell me I look ten years younger than I am. On the other hand, my husband looks ten years older than his actual age, probably from all his drinking and smoking.

My boss is unhappily married as well. About a month ago we started talking about each other's stories and we are both going through the same situation. Last week we both left work early and went to a motel. I had the best sex I've ever had in my life. He said the same.

I asked him today if he thinks we should both get divorced. I was shocked when he said that he could never divorce his wife because his kids would never forgive him. I asked him what he feels about us and our future. He said that now that we know how great the sex was with each other that we should meet a few nights after work a week and enjoy life together. I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. When I left work today he knew I was upset and just let me go without talking about what happened. I am in shock. There are no words to describe how stupid and foolish I feel.

I've been crying in my bedroom all night and my husband doesn't even seem to notice or care. He is downstairs drinking and watching television. What have I done? Why was I so dumb to think he would leave his wife for me? I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I am writing you because I always agree with the advice you give people. I am afraid of what you might say to me, but I need to tell someone.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 
Thanks, 

- Dummy

Dear MTN,

I need your advice. Recently I met a guy and we seemed to hit it off. Our first date lasted for three hours and he said all the right things. I was very happy that he even said that he is looking for a serious relationship, since I am done with one night stands and am also looking for a serious relationship. He said he wanted to see me again and called me the next day.

The problem is that he invited me to come over his house to watch a movie for the second date. I think an invitation to his house on the second date could mean he is a player only looking for one thing. Why would he do that when he made a point of saying he's ready for a serious relationship? How long are you supposed to wait before you accept an invitation to go to a guy’s house? Do you think he is just looking to hook up? Or do you think I am over reacting? 

Dear MTN,

I really need your help. I was engaged many moons ago to a great guy. I was too young at the time to realize how great of a guy he was and got last minute wedding jitters and cheated on him. I felt so guilty since I loved him so much and I thought he would forgive me, so I told him, instead he broke off the wedding. We hadn't talked in twenty years. I am in an unhappy marriage to someone I was on rebound with from this guy, and I found my ex fiance on Facebook last summer.

We are getting very close and I've never felt happier in my life. I apologized for cheating on him and he finally forgave me. I told him last week I am still in love with him. Even though he has been married for almost twenty years, he told me privately that his wife is very cold and the love has been gone for many years. He has four kids and said he needs to stay married for the sake of his kids. He told me if it weren't for the kids, he would have gotten divorced years ago.

Now that I have that information what should I do with it? I love him, always have, and now know he's not in love with his wife. I am also in a loveless marriage. I know he says he needs to stay with his wife for his kids, but if we are both unhappily married and are both still in love with each other, shouldn't we try everything to make it work? My belief is that life is too short. I really want to ask him to leave his wife, but I'm afraid I might lose him if I make any demands on him. What do you think I should do with this new important information that could change my entire life for the better? 

Thank you for your help.

Dear MTN,

That's it! I've had it with the Internet. I am a great looking guy, from what people tell me, I was born in Ireland 40 years ago and have been here for thirty years, I'm a successful business man, am financially stable, and want to find a woman and have a family. My time line to have the family is about three years.

I almost got engaged ten years ago, but saw too many red flags and ended it. For the past ten years of dating it's been hell. I meet many women, will have about a six month relationship with each of them. In the beginning everything is perfect, and then in six months or so, they change. One was a sex addict and cheated on me, one couldn't keep a job because she was lazy, one was a big drinker, one was addicted to pills, one was not my faith and it started to cause problems, but the last one was the final straw. After we dated for many months, I found out that she was unhappily married and was cheating on him. I asked her why would she lie to me in the beginning and tell me she's single and looking to get married and have kids, if she already had that with someone else. Her answer was pathetic. She basically said she couldn't divorce him because of her kids and knew if she told me she was married that we wouldn't have had such a great time together. She said she's met other men on the Internet who don't care she's married.

I'm done Maureen. Please tell me there is another way to find a normal, attractive girl who wants marriage and children without all the lies and drama. I don't even care if you tell me to join your program at this point. If you think that is the only way I will find what I am looking for, I'll do it. But please, give me some solid advice since I'm already forty and don't want to be going through this same sXXX when I'm fifty. 

Thanks.
 - Pat

Dear MTN,

I really need your advice. I'm 29 years old and all my friends are married. I've been told by many men in my life that I am attractive. I am at the point in my life that I would like to get married too, and also to soon start having children.

Last weekend I finally got one of my married friends to go out with me. We went to a really popular club and I met a really gorgeous guy. We talked for four hours. My girlfriend ended up leaving me there with this guy. After we talked at the club for a while longer he asked me if I wanted to hang out more at his house. I felt a real connection with him, so I agreed.

I had one of the greatest nights of my life and I ended up staying the night. In the morning he seemed like a different guy. He was very cold to me and was rushing to take me home so he could go to work. I kept waiting for him to ask for my phone number, but he never did. Finally as he dropped me off I asked him if he wanted it. I know it sounds desperate, but since we had such an amazing emotional connection the night before, I wasn't sure if maybe he was worried about being late for work and maybe it just slipped his mind to ask. He answered "yes" and wrote down my number. His last words to me were "I'll call you."

Well, no call as of yet. Last night I was so mad and disappointed in him that I remembered where he said he worked and I called him there. He seemed cold on the phone and said he was very busy at work and would call me back. Well, no call.

My question to you is...if he didn't want to see me again, why did he go out of his way so much to make our evening together so great? And if he wasn't interested, why wasn't he honest with me and just said he didn't want to see me again? What is with these guys in New York? 

- Single in NY

 - MTN

P.S. if you only want thin girls, make sure you get rid off your extra pounds that you mentioned about yourself, ha ha. - MTN

Dear MTN,

As I am writing this I realize it is not a huge problem however, it is something that has bothered me for years and I do not know how to approach the subject with my boyfriend. Every holiday and every birthday, I always spend time and money getting my boyfriend a gift that I know he will love, and every year my gift seems like an after thought. We have been dating for five years and we have discussed that we plan on getting engaged next year when we both turn 25.

As for the gifts he gives me, he obviously spends a substantial amount less than I do on gifts and I am not materialistic by any means, but it does bother me. It is not even the gift itself that bothers me but the lack of thought he puts into it. For Christmas this year I got him an expensive watch, his favorite cologne, a couple of sweaters, and a couple of his favorite cd's. He gave me a pair of earrings. I took the earrings to the store just to get an idea of how much he spent on me, and the clerk said the earrings were originally $100, but they were discounted 50% during December; so he spent $50 on me...How do I approach this with my boyfriend without seeming ungrateful or spoiled?

One more question. I am Irish American and he is from Ireland. My last boyfriend was from Ireland and he was the same way. Do you think it might have something to do with the Irish culture? Thanks for your help. I love reading your column. 

- Rita

Dear MTN,

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and everything is great except whenever I bring up marriage he gets weird to the point that I do not bring it up anymore. How long is too long to wait for a proposal? My parents love him and I love his parents. The only thing I can think might be holding him back is that I'm Catholic and he is not religious at all. He knows I want a church wedding, and I know he doesn't want a mass. He would need to take some classes in order for us to have a mass in a Catholic church. My three sisters all got married in the church with a mass, so it is really important to my family.

Do you think this is the problem, or do you think there is something else wrong that he does not want to marry me?

 - Traci

Dear MTN,

Every single year around the holidays my girlfriend and I argue about how to split our time between our families. I feel because I am the guy that I always get the short end of the stick. I would not mind going to my girlfriend’s parent's house if they were more welcoming to me. My girlfriend does not seem to understand that I work very hard all year and on the holidays I would like to be surrounded by loved ones instead of awkwardly ignored by her family.

. If you are interested in hearing more about this process and wish to make your complimentary appointment call 516-444-2861, or 1-888-31-match(62824). We have offices in Manhattan and Long Island.  Mention this article and receive a fantastic holiday discount.

 - MTN

- Jim

Dear Jim,

 Thanks, - Joey

Dear Joey,

- MTN

Call 516-444-2861 to schedule a free consultation in either their Long Island or Manhattan locations. Mention this column and receive a summer discount. Maureen Tara Nelson has been successfully Matchmaking for over 12 years with over 1000 success stories.