There were wild celebrations all around the City of Detroit today, after the Tigers were officially named ‘The Fattest Professional Sports Team in the History of Sports’. The news came hot on the heels of the Tigers exciting win against the Boston Red Sox, and further enlivened a City already rejoicing with a great start to their MLB season.
‘’Yeah man I am really excited about this.’’ Prince Fielder said after the game against Boston, as he chowed down on an after game spread of Lobster stuffed with truffles, Cheeseburgers and Barbequed Swordfish. ‘’You know I gotta holla at my boys though, didn’t do this on my own, man. Dotel, Valverde, Cabs and Bo Bo. Did you boys even know Dotel was 230lbs?!’’
Fielder was of course referring to Octavio Dotel, the relief pitcher who weighed 180lbs when he was with the Mets, and now hovers somewhere between 230 and 240 depending whether you believe a team’s media guide or not.
The Tigers grabbed the award with an incredible ten players weighing in over 220lbs. That might not raise eyebrows in a city like Dallas, Texas, or Birmingham Alabama, where the average weight of an adult male is now over 300lbs, however in Detroit, this is indeed a ‘big’ deal.
The top dogs of the Tigers ‘fat’ list are of course Miguel ‘Carbs’ Cabrera, Prince Fielder and Jose Valverde, who’s listed media guide weight is 254lbs, however Prince Fielder was heard to jest, as he lifted the trophy for fattest team, ‘Last time Valverde was 254lbs his momma was still making his lunch for school!’
Oh no he did-ent.
Valverde, a quirky closer, literally has a belly so big it is hanging over his baseball pants belt. Cabrera made a highlight play during the game last night where he stumbled, tripped, fell backwards and still caught the ball. A slimmer man may have injured himself doing same.
When asked about the award Justin Verlander, a hefty 225lbs, mentioned that it was really a team effort, and paid particular credit to some of the ‘other’ guys, not just Fielder, Valverde and Cabrera. ‘Hey you know what, we were all in this together, no way we tilt the scale in our favour without Delmon and Brennan’. The ace was of course referring to Delmon Young and Brennan Boesch, Detroit’s starting corner outfielders, who weigh in at 240lbs and 235lbs respectively.
When asked about his contribution Delmon Young appeared quite angry, demanding the team adjust his listed 240lbs. ‘Dude, the last time I was 240lbs, I was still a virgin!’.
He calmed down however when asked about receiving the award in person. ‘’Man I’m just looking forward to when the people from Sports History get here, ‘cause I hear they’re gonna have like, an all you can eat buffet going’’
So, more great news for the city of Detroit, a city where a staggering one third of the populace are listed as below the standard poverty line, there is a 20% City unemployment rate, and the average annual income for a household of four is just below $20,000 dollars. We did not leave a '0' out. That's accurate. $20 grand. A year. A city where there has been an increase in 18-25% on demand for food from food banks and soup kitchens in the last five years.
There are literally thousands of people lining up to get free food in Detroit, because they do not have the means to feed themselves.
At least their professional baseball team has a squad that averages 215lbs a player in weight (5325 lbs divided by their 25 man squad, including several skinny 170/180lb types), and $4,075,000 a year in salary (including several bit-part players who earn between $400 and $600 thousand a year, bringing the average down dramatically).
God bless America.