The Irish sense of humor and wit is renowned around the world and here's our pick of the best, or maybe worst depending on how you look at it, of Irish jokes for this St. Patrick's Day. There is nothing the Irish like more than sitting around a cup of tea, or a pint, and telling stories or a good joke.
St. Patrick’s Day Engagement
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,' he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
What is an Irishman?
An Irishman is a man who...
May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors....
Scorns money, but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor...
Learn a foreign language
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stopped and asked them, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
The two lads looked at each other blankly and then stared back at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tried.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off, disappointed. One of the boys turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"
"Why?' says the other youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and look what good it did him!"
An Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
The Irishman, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it."
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says, "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says, "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
"We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire."
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
"Well," said he, "you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job."
"Why's that?" asked Pat.
"Well," said the manager, "you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'."
Baby on Board
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."