I was asked to lunch by a friend who said he had something important to discuss with me. We'd only sat down when he blurted out - after darting glances all round to reinforce his security - "I'm S.L.A."
"Patty Hearst must be getting on a bit now, " I answered, not knowing what else to say in such a situation.
"Are the Symbionese Liberation Army still active, and when did they open a branch in Ireland? Were you kidnapped by them?
“We could do with the government being forced to give out food parcels to the poor, ” I ventured.
"Is this part of their programme as well?"
"Did they also get an amnesty under the 'Good Friday Agreement', do you know?"
Questions, but what better response?
"Ah, no, no - for feck's sake, " he exploded."I mean I'm an addict...S.L.A...sex and love."
"Oh, I see, so that means you're getting more nooky than the rest of us, is it, because if you are, then you're starting to make me jealous. Would ye take me on - always a famine in my place?"
"Don't get me wrong now, " I continued, "but how could being lucky with the ladies, I presume, be such a problem for you?"
"It's getting to the point where I'm looking for sex all the time, and thinking about it every minute.
“It's a terrible burden and if I don't get help soon I'll crack up," he nearly sobbed.
"Depends what you mean by 'help'.”
"Sure we're all like that, " I went on, "but are women affected too, and if they are, is there any chance you'd give me a few phone numbers?
"I could do with a surge of abandon in the old love stakes myself, and I promise that after my research into the issue I'll get back to you with a solution.
Beginning with the truism that too much of a good thing is not necessarily bad for us.
Only if the significant other doesn't find out about all the bed-hopping, of course.
"Did your wife find out about all your extracurricular, by the way?"
"Oh, god help me, she did."
"There then is the answer to your current difficulties, mate. It's all about not getting caught out, isn't it? Labels are a great distraction. Glad I could be of assistance."
Jackie believed Lyndon B. Johnson had John F. Kennedy killed