It's 25 things you never thought you'd miss about Ireland.
Prepare to be homesick after reading this.
1. Sniggering at place names
Back in the motherland, you can go diving in Muff, catch a cold in Birr and drive through Granny, all the while delighting that your level of immaturity is now matched by your new geographical acumen.
There is absolutely nothing that compares to the hot, delicious, salt and vinegar penetration of the senses otherwise known as a bag of proper chipper chips.
3. Benign creatures
Other countries are full of things that want you dead.
4. Irish slang
Acting the maggot, Banjaxed, Chancer, Divil, Eejit, Flitters, Gob, Header, I am in me wick, Jackeen, Kip, Langers, Manky, Nip, Off your nut, Plonker, Quick hawk, Reddener, Shenanigans, Throwing shapes, Up to ninety, Vit, Wagon, Y-fronts, Yonks, Zipless
5. Amhrán na bhFiann
Very few national anthems have been subjected to the same creative treatment at the hands of its people and athletes as ours. The most artistically interesting interpretations in terms of dance, stance and lyrics happen at about 2.30am on a Saturday in rural nightclubs all over the country.
6. Not calling St. Patrick’s Day 'Patty’s Day'
For reasons unknown, the rest of the world is convinced the man who freed us from the tyranny of snakes should share his name with a greasy, disk-shaped serving of meat-like substance.
7. Drawing stuff on the bus window condensation
Regardless of your age, there is something deeply comforting about tracing your finger along a damp bus window during your commute home on the 66B.
8. You’re a lovely girl
Ladies, now that you’re not in Ireland anymore, no longer must you endure the beer-soaked drunk interrupting your conversation to compliment your loveliness while eyeballing your breasts. Instead you’re stuck abroad with endless conversation while you sigh into your push-up bra.
This is currently the standard response in Ireland when someone compliments any part of your outfit. In fact, in years to come, Penneys, which is our answer to Target or some such, will have replaced the word ‘thanks’.
10. Distinctive cities
Screenwriter and film director Christopher Nolan may not be planning to film his next metropolitan masterpiece in Limerick or Waterford anytime soon but at least our cities don’t incite a sense of déjà vu.
11. Your Mammy’s nagging
The woman who gave you a bowl haircut, numerous spit ‘n sleeve face washes and humiliated you in front of every suitor you ever brought home is now engrained in your mind as a kind-hearted tea giver and all-round provider of comfort.
12. Giving out