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Sarah Palin is saving Christmas

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Sarah Palin says there's a war on Christmas
Sarah Palin says there's a war on Christmas


Right wing quote factory Sarah Palin this week announced when it comes to Christmas she shares the same sentiments as some of her sometime paymasters at Fox News: there is indeed a war on the most wonderful time of the year.

In fact, she’s so concerned by the big battle that’s brewing she has a new hardcover book to hawk on the subject titled "Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas."

Featuring more dog whistles than your local Petco, at $23.99 a pop the cost of antagonizing atheists and agnostics certainly ain't cheap.

But there’s a religious war to wage and a war needs treasure. So buy my book, I guess.

So let’s review. You hear all those Christmas carols blaring out of every big box retailer and supermarket in the nation? They’re only a ruse. They’re just window dressing. They don’t really mean it.

You see all those ads on TV encouraging you to shop for gifts for Christmas? They’re just a sophisticated socialistic set up. They just want you purchasing jeans not praising Jesus.

In her book Sarah Palin knows the real truth: Christians can fight and prevail in the war on Christmas, but only if they speak up. Loudly.

So if your local supermarket is already playing Christmas carols you should go right up to the manager and ask that they be played even louder. That’ll show those superior secularists!

And by the way, according to the Warrior of Wasilla, the ‘War on Christmas” is really just the spear tip, if you will, of the bigger battle: ‘The battle that's brewing is those who would want to take God out of our society, out of our culture, which will lead to ruin as history has proven.’

Clearly without the unseen, unfelt hand of our never-once-in-our-lifetime witnessed Creator at the helm, it would be "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" in America, every day.

People with more guns and ammo than a Louisiana rifle range might start shooting defenseless children in mass attacks; terrorists might bomb buildings and hijack planes; infrastructure might collapse and rolling blackouts might throw the east coast into darkness; the poor could see their entitlements cut and homelessness could reach record numbers; hurricanes might sweep away levees and flood entire cities. God would prevent all that. That’s why we need to make worshiping him a Federal law.

‘Fear not,’ counsels the half time governor. ‘Again, it’s that message of Christmas. Remember the angel came to Mary in a situation with less than ideal circumstances … and that message needs to be received by each one of you here today as you get out there in a pretty rough-and-tumble world. You’re going to be inundated in the workplace with cultural and societal pressures trying to beat you down.’

Cultural pressures like being nice to gay people, say? And maybe allowing them to form their own unions and live in peace and equality under the law?

Or social pressures like granting poor people access to a doctor and affordable health care? It really sucks to be Sarah, apparently. How the thought of helping undeserving proletarian moochers hurts and offends her, but her advice is don’t suffer these abuses in silence.

Speaking at Liberty University last week, at the end of her very profitable 15-city book tour, Palin spoke to the crowd of over 10,000 students (and President Jerry Falwell Jr.) in the language of religious confrontation.

A war is being waged by ‘those who would want try to abort Christ out of Christmas,’ she said, adding that ‘angry atheists armed with an attorney’ are spoiling things for everyone else and do not represent the majority of Americans.

Aborting Christ on Christmas achieves a trifecta of the kind of paranoiac pronouncements she specializes in. Palin speaks with the subtlety of a buzzsaw, which is why she’s so beloved by the most reactionary people in the nation.

Abortion, atheism and the murder of Christ all in the same sentence, all calculated to hit the alarm bells of the most credulous, often without them even noticing the sleight of hand. But this is the language of a fanatic repackaged in fake folksy charm.

There’s a war waging in Sarah’s life alright, but it’s one of her own making, and her target appears to be the American constitution, not just Christmas.

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