I’ve just kissed my daughter on the cheek after drilling her on her Confirmation questions; I was shocked at how many of the answers I remember from my own Catholic rite of passage 31 years ago.
I’ve also never felt so distant from my faith. In fact, the last time I felt this way was about a year ago, when I was cradling my godson in my arms at the baptismal fountain. It seems these joyous times of marking significant events of our faith in my family’s offspring forces me to tell the truth about myself and the unworkability of my personal relationship with the Catholic church.
Sure, the scandals that have shaken our church to its core and my own inappropriate relationship with a clergy in my teens have taken their toll on the faith I put into my faith. When I peel back the visible scar tissue, however, I see how my animosity goes much deeper than that.
Being Irish and Catholic meant a double whammy that produced but a trickle of joy in life during my formative years. If you were lucky to get your hands on a decent girl in high school, there was hell to be paid in hell if you died before confessing the sin that next Saturday. Thanks to years of heavy-handed threats spun from misinterpretations of the Baltimore Cathecism in the 70s by repressed clergy, you had barely lit the proverbial post-coital cigarette before you looked up in the heavens and pleaded for your Maker not to strike you down with a bolt of lightning before you were able to scrub the blackness of your soul.
As I get older, I move further away from the notion of living my life under constant threat of eternal damnation and as the head of this Catholic household, I wish a life for my kids that is not shackled with guilt as a constant way of being.
When you’re not so busy making Mass some Sunday mornings, you can tune into what other faiths are offering these days. There is a part of me that is insanely jealous as I witness the inspiration, perspiration, and transformation emanating from the pulpits of the black churches on BET. Large women in silk hats waving handkerchiefs over their ample chests as they burn in their faith while men in mustard colored suits whip the worshipers into a sweaty frenzy--who doesn’t want in on that juicy conversation with the Lord? When was the last time a Catholic Mass galvanized you like that?
You don’t even have to go that far over the edge to find peace and inspiration. Turn the dial and you find any number of these mega-watt mega-church pastors that preach the power of positive thinking. Like lawyers, they make their case for a happy life by deftly weaving spiritual passages into sermons and presenting them as irrefutable proof that God wants us to be happy.
Against my better judgment, I can’t help but stare at Joel Osteen’s televised ministry in awe, like a deer in the headlights of a semi. He’s slick, sweet, and shiny, like the meniscus of jello, but I like what he says.
“God never created us to endure life,” Osteen chirped from the stage recently. “He made us so that we enjoy life. He made us to be the happiest species on earth. Some people go around with a long face. They go to church like they’re going to a funeral!”
Wow! Did he nail the Irish Catholic church experience! If our priest runs his mouth and keeps us past 57 minutes, there is a palpable contempt in the pews that stops just shy of an outright palace coup. When you look at Osteen’s crowd, you get the sense that they could hear his lighter than air sermons all day about the patient and loving father anxious to bestow heaven’s bounties upon us.
I’ve also become a fan of Joyce Meyer, a more butch version of Osteen. A drill sergeant with sensible low heels that clack as she paces the stage, she seems mildly annoyed that we’re ignorant of the scripture and that God has cursed her with helmet hair. Like Osteen, she preaches positive thinking in a common sense style that I just cannot get enough of.
She walks the walk as well. Fair play to her, she went through the mill: she talks about a tough childhood and has risen from the ashes to generate a ministry and speaking gigs that routinely fill hockey arenas each Sunday.
“Do you know you have a relationship with yourself?” she asked on an old homily I picked off of youtube. “You have a much more active relationship with yourself than anyone else. I mean, everywhere you go, there you are! Romans12:2 says it clearly: ‘do not be conformed to this world, this age, fashioned after its external superficial customs.’ If you don’t change your mind, you are never gonna change your life. Proverbs 23:7 says, ‘as a man thinketh in his mind so is he.’ Amen.”
Just when I “thinketh” I’m going to trade my Catholic hair shirt in for something else, I am stopped. Like a ring of scum in the bathtub, a certain Christian smugness has lined Conservative culture on places like Fox News and Tea Party rallies that just turns my stomach.
I don’t see myself as a promise-keeping kinda guy; I know a few of them and I hold their “Abercrombie & Christ” look in utter contempt. You know the type: he of sensible cardigan, soft serve yogurt hair, WWJD wrist band, JC and the Apostle sandals, and that certain pithy way he thinks the world should go according to Matthew, John, Paul, George, or Ringo.
Speaking of Beatles, I’ll leave you with the Gospel according to Paul:
“When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.”
Despite the internal turmoil over my distance from regular Catholic communion, I still say a decade of the Rosary most days and I go around the beads many times during long car trips. I continue my prayers for the Blessed Mother's intercession to help me figure how to go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
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Switch to the desktop site to post a comment.Frosty38 | Nov 15, 2012, 08:58 AM EST
I was from the old school of being raised in the RC faith. Lived in the Cambridge Ma with the birth of my fist son. I now know that it was a very good thing. I still following not only my heart but my faith my husband and I are very active in the church and my husband is a Knight withe the Kof C. Past Grandknight and now a District Officer . he also was raised in Maine as the same
rebean1 | May 09, 2012, 05:11 PM EDT
I always wonder why all the great writers and artists thought religion to be quite intellectually wanting. Did Joyce ever have anything good to say about Irish Catholicism. It has changed during every decade since its inception. There are elements of all christian faiths which give comfort in death. The guilt I experienced as a child in confession casts a shadow on the catholic faith for me. Its the early years of this confession of sins thats creates the guilt as far as I am concerned.
EvelynDavey | Feb 15, 2011, 12:52 PM EST
Not all priests are perverts; some are! I look at Mega Church preachers and see their expensive suits and read of all the property and cars they own and have to wonder if they do what they do for the love of God or for their wallets. Those huge stark halls they call churches do not ecourage any spiritual feelings in me. (personal choice) The Catholic Church where I live is like that, so I do not go, but I am Catholic in my heart and sould and always will be. I hope the Church does a redo but doesn't throw the child out with the bath water as it has done in the past. Take a look at a society that has lost much of its moral values; are we really better off?
Irishjule | Nov 21, 2010, 10:13 PM EST
know all about Irish Catholic guilt, but I know that I could never be anything but Catholic. I participate at Mass and live my life the best I can. I have belonged to parishes that raised us to the heights with the music and worship..charismatic services. Would that all the Catholic churches could inspire people to want to attend Mass. I think you are on the right track praying to Our Blessed Mother to help you understand and to develop a relationship with Jesus. It does also help to read the New Testament and you will fall in love with Jesus. Don't think about things so much, Mike. It seems as though you are too scrupulous about your soul. Just do your best and know that God loves us.
Irishjule | Nov 21, 2010, 10:06 PM EST
I know all about Irish Catholic guilt, but I know that I could never be anything but Catholic. I participate at Mass and live my life the best I can. I have belonged to parishes that raised us to the heights with the music and worship..charismatic services. Would that all the Catholic churches could inspire people to want to attend Mass. I think you are on the right track praying to Our Blessed Mother to help you understand and to develop a relationship with Jesus. It does also help to read the New Testament and you will fall in love with Jesus.
megsyblack | Nov 04, 2010, 09:54 PM EDT
Mike, I thought your article was heartfelt and interesting. I feel the same way sometimes, only I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was christened Catholic, but raised by parents that didn't go to church (and later, divorced). I always thought I was supposed to be Catholic, although I never recived any other sacraments. I felt guilty when I didn't pray every night, when I said the Lord's name in vain, when I had lustful thoughts. My father has since converted to the Baptist faith. He was upset when I wanted to attend Catholic services, so I stopped going to mass and tried to become a part of his church. I was invigorated to have a better relationship with God--I felt comfortable, and happy, and proud of myself, even my shortcomings--after all, Jesus would have died in vain if we were all perfect. One day, his church printed a pamphlet saying that we shouldn't give to the Salvation Army because they allow gays to hold positions in their organization, and the dream died. These people wanted to deny aid to the less fortunate because of their own feelings about sexuality, and that is not at all what I think Christ would have done. Now I am left with guilt for not being perfect, for not being Catholic, for not being a part of any religion. But I have, for a long time, taken comfort in the same song you have: "In my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be." I think your daughter is lucky to have a father like you; one who wants her to know God, yet also experiences doubt. God gave us free will, didn't He?
paddypower | Oct 27, 2010, 09:04 AM EDT
Obviously if one is "drilling" his daughter on religious dogma and such then he hasn't quite overcome his "Catholic guilt" enough to grasp that the entire judo christless sham that passes for organized religion and might I add global crusades and slaughter is little more than superstitious clap trap to keep the peasants from storming the twin castles of state and church. But dream on and hopefully there will be lemonade on the day to go with all that pie in the sky. Would that humans could be tolerant of each others's foibles and curious habits without all the nasty bigots in funny hats with their chosen people palaver and supremacist cant. But it seems the more religious these weirdos are the more inhumane and dangerous. Fundamentally wrong and bigotted US of A provides the best possible example, followed by the "religious" of apartheid occupied Palestine, the infamous "Holy Land" where the dangerous triple theories of divinity intersect in the insane mix of Koran, Bible and Talmud. So much for organized religions' versions of God!
irishwriter | Oct 27, 2010, 08:29 AM EDT
Many of these bloggers are long on judgment and short on compassion to someone genuinely conflicted about his faith. Interesting to note that a prayer hasn't been offered so far... sad yet not terribly surprising. Judge not lest you be judged...
mikemeboy | Oct 27, 2010, 04:30 AM EDT
IMHO religion is NOT what it is all about, but rather a relationship with God. You can see how many have preverted the simple story to suit their own needs and lust for power. Hence the sense of guilt we were raised with, as Martin Luther King said "Free at last! Great God almighty I am free at last1" The Bible says the truth will set you free, thank you Jesus I'm free at last! Kindest regards
murphy66 | Oct 27, 2010, 02:46 AM EDT
Funny how Mike still says the Rosary, but seems to have forgotten (conveniently?) the Blessed Mother's pronouncement at Fatima that most souls in Hell are there for sins of impurity. Time for another post-coital cigarette, Mike?
barneyjo | Oct 26, 2010, 08:38 PM EDT
Good article. Much of my own personal faith journey articulated in this. Even after living for nearly 50 years within the bounds of "Mother Church" I'm happy to say that the guilt is gone, and only love remains!!
NedoftheHill | Oct 26, 2010, 03:58 PM EDT
So where is the the joy in your religion that you learned about ?
irishwriter | Oct 26, 2010, 02:41 PM EDT
To Sirpeter and Kevin: great minds think alike! The purpose of me writing this IS the declaration that I am living life as best I can and moving on from the guilt. This article is NOT a letter of goodbye to Catholicism. It is also not so idiotic to the scores of Catholics unsure of this institution in light of its criminal mismanagement and cover-ups. Just sayin'.
Kevin325 | Oct 26, 2010, 01:14 PM EDT
Live your life to the best of your ability and move on. Thinking about it too much will just depress you.
antoman | Oct 26, 2010, 09:12 AM EDT
What guilt?I don't feel guilty for being raised a catholic.If there's any guilt to be attributed to catholics it should be attributed to the Irish catholic priests here.
GeorgeDillon | Oct 26, 2010, 08:34 AM EDT
What an idiotic article. If you want to spend three hours screaming and shouting on a Sunday morning, join the AME. Their loss will be the Catholic Church's gain.
sirpeter | Oct 26, 2010, 07:51 AM EDT
Mike You thinketh in a mixed up way. Proverbs 28:7 Just live your life as best you can and stop thinkething.