An Irish American mother who gave up a daughter for adoption after being raped as a teenager spoke about the pain of her daughter trying to contact her.
After sixteen year old Kathleen Hoy Foley was raped, she was unable to have an abortion because abortions were illegal in 1964. She gave the child away in a closed adoption and hoped to close the door on that episode in her life. The now 65 year-old Foley told the Daily News, “The day I walked out of that hospital, it was the day it ended for me. I was emancipated. I truly believed I was free.”
But she wasn’t yet free, as her daughter Elaine Penn repeatedly contacted her in the late 1990s.
In a closed adoption the children do not learn the names of their biological parents. Foley believes that Catholic Charities, who handled the adoption, gave her information to her daughter. Catholic Charities denies this.
Foley says that Penn tracked her down with the help of a private investigator. Penn denies that she received help from Catholic Charities or a private investigator. She says she tracked her birth parents down by library documents and public records.
Penn’s repeated attempts to contact her forced Foley to tell her husband and her grown-up children about what happened. Foley claims that Penn attempted to contact other members of her family. She says the whole experience was “humiliating, degrading and dehumanizing.”
Foley said the worst offense was when Penn contacted her son-in-law, a lawyer who then revealed Foley’s past to his wife, Foley’s daughter. Penn claims she did not know Foley was connected to the lawyer whom she contacted after finding an old public deed of Foley’s.
Penn, now 48, said she felt the need to contact her biological parents after she gave birth to her own child in 1996. The Daily News reports she said giving birth smacks a lot of adoptees in the face because it’s the first time you see anyone who is biologically connected to you.” She discovered that her father had died and said her mother’s reaction was like “a knife to my heart.”
She said, “But I would hope that whatever happens in that situation that at this point, I would get myself help and I wouldn’t take it out on the person I gave birth to.”
During the 15 years that Penn has contacted Foley, they have still never met.
Foley has become a campaigner for the rights of women who have given up their children to maintain anonymity, regardless of what the children want. She wrote about these events in her life titled “Woman in Hiding: A True Tale of Backdoor Abuse, Dark Secrets and Other Evil Deeds.” Penn is a proponent of opening adoption records.
Donald Cofsky of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys told The Daily Mail that the case is tragic, but since both sides want different things, “There’s no way to fix it.”
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Switch to the desktop site to post a comment.Kilbarry1 | Mar 17, 2013, 06:41 PM EDT
"They are both wrong" is carrying tolerance a bit too far. What effect is this 15-year-long saga going to have on an unmarried mother today who is wavering between giving the baby for adoption and aborting it? Reading about the thuggish behaviour of the daughter is likely to incline her towards abortion thus "solving" the problem. (I am reminded of a quote attributed to Comrade Stalin: "There is a man; there is a problem. No man; No problem"!!)
nosoupforU | Mar 16, 2013, 04:50 PM EDT
They are both wrong. The mother for not at lease not giving the daughter a family medical history and the daughter for persisting in trying to contact for 15 years.
Searlit | Mar 13, 2013, 06:55 PM EDT
I feel compassion for both of these women. The daughter as an innocent child, deserves support. On the other hand, trying to force a relationship with a person who had been raped seems futile and doesn't respect the biological mother's rights. The daughter was adopted. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship she has with her adoptive parents. The Mother here, went through enough, I think. Having had to give birth though the pregnancy that was forced upon her through rape. She managed to overcome it and make her way in the world. I think she is to be commended for doing so - not expected to deny reality and rights to her privacy.
Renelda M. | Mar 13, 2013, 03:48 PM EDT
Foley is a cold woman. She is unloving and unforgiving--mostly of herself. Has she not read the Life of Jesus Christ??? Does she not pray The Our Father, other than as a mantra??? Foley really needs psychological and spiritual help. One doesn't just throw away a life and forget about it. Foley's cowardice is sad. I hope and will pray for her to gather courage and take her daughter's hands--both of them --as a loving estranged mom would.To her daughter, I say, Stay strong in faith and prayer. Be Blessed.
Kilbarry1 | Mar 13, 2013, 08:53 AM EDT
To those of you who feel that this mother has an obligation to meet her daughter regardless of her own wishes, just consider this. Suppose the mother had known when pregnant, that this situation could arise in future. She would probably have moved heaven and earth to ensure that she got an illegal abortion. Would the daughter - and her supporters here - have preferred it that way? It certainly would have solved/eliminated the problem!
mreinhar2001 | Mar 12, 2013, 01:59 PM EDT
As much as I respect SingleDonald's opinion, I am in SheilaRed's camp. Armchair psychologists reading this site may think that meeting the grown woman-child would be "healing." None-the-less, Ms. Foley does not want to meet and constantly harassing her and her other family members trying to wear her down to get a meeting is just that: harassment.
SingleDonald | Mar 12, 2013, 01:34 PM EDT
I am in agreement with katiemac, CelticQueenUSA, and the others who support Elaine Penn's attempt to reconnect with her mother. The reasons they give resonate as true & valid.
johnbyrne | Mar 12, 2013, 01:25 PM EDT
Cmon MOM its time to put this to bed for both of your sakes, its healing time for both of you. the swine that attacked & raped you more than likely is getting on with his life your Daughter needs closure on this & cant understand as she had no part in this, I remember reading the sins of the father should not be visited on the offspring that is not put as a religious comment but as a common sense approach to what is & has been a heavy burden to carry.I wish you well & a hope you find peace in your heart what ever you decide.
mowalsh | Mar 12, 2013, 01:15 PM EDT
Elaine Penn should count herself lucky she wasn't raised by this cold fish of a mother. Nevertheless, the least Foley can do is to meet her once and have a discussion about her biological family's medical history at the very least, which might be useful for both Foley's daughter and grandchild. Ms. Foley is either a self-involved drama queen or a victim still suffering from an unresolved trauma. if the latter is the case, she should go for therapy.
dover mom | Mar 12, 2013, 11:44 AM EDT
I feel for Ms. Foley. While the rape experience was humiliating,degrading, and dehumanizing, meeting the child she so generously bore and offered for adoption (she could have had an illegal abortion) is none of those. She is only another human being whose life is full of pain from this experience as well. Feeling unwanted has a profoundly negative effect on someone. If Ms. Foley could only find it in her heart to meet Ms. Penn, she holds the power to bring about immense healing for both of them. I'm sure Ms. Penn is looking for a family connection and some measure of resolution to the mystery of who her mother is. A mother is a powerful presence in a person's life. I don't think anyone who has a biological mother can realize that until they are missing theirs.
cabbagehead44 | Mar 12, 2013, 11:37 AM EDT
Ms Foley needs t forgive for her own sake and for the sake of her daughter and her grandchild. The only way for her to find any peace is to find it in her heart to forgive. It is wrong to blame Ms Penn for the hurt that was done to her so many years ago, Ms Penn was an innocent party in all this and has suffered enough not having her natural mother in her life. Doesn't Ms Foley feel any guilt herself for perpetuating this pain for another generation. Enough time has passed for Ms foley to have the maturity and courage to forgive and forget!
SheilaRed | Mar 12, 2013, 10:20 AM EDT
The daughter sounds as predatory as her father. It seems the Mother has made it clear that she does not want to meet the daughter, but has been hounded and harrassed for 15 years. This sounds a lot like stalking. I would not want to meet someone who treated me like this either, and my sympathies are entirely with the mother. The daughter needs to stop re-victimizing the poor woman and get on with her own selfish life.
PiperMac52 | Mar 12, 2013, 10:19 AM EDT
Very sad indeed. Is the point of this article that she would have been better off aborting the child? There is a living breathing human being here who longs to meet her mother, what an inconvenience! Perhaps Ms. Foy would be better off meeting her and explaining that she doesn't want to be part of her life.
CelticQueenUSA | Mar 12, 2013, 10:05 AM EDT
This is so sad to read. The women involved are both causing each other such great pain, worse than the rape. The secret is out and so instead of facing the situation Mother refuses to meet this daughter who no fault of her own was born to her. The existence of this young woman and her desire to meet her biological mother is so touching. What has been done is done and over but the two people who are suffering remain suffering. The rapist is dead. My own reaction would be to meet and face each other. Then after that you can both decide if anything comes of that. After they meet, they may wish to never meet again or may find a person they can love. You will never know until you take the chance. Wishing you both closure on this sad situation.
katiemac | Mar 12, 2013, 09:01 AM EDT
Rape is a hideous experience, and trying to pretend it never happened doesn't make it better. Something good came out of that rape, a child. And meeting that daughter, and her own child, might be the final salve to heal the wound. Instead she is creating new wounds. I cannot imagine the pain of being told you would have been aborted had it been legal.