Ireland's Eye: What's going on in the old sod

Meath Chronicle

Lots of St. Patricks

Organizers of St. Patrick’s Day activities in Kilrush are hoping that the day’s festivities will be remembered for years to come.

In fact, if plans come to fruition, the town will earn a niche for itself in the Guinness World Records. Although the original St Patrick was at his peak in the fifth century, dozens of look-alikes are likely to swarm Kilrush on March 17.

Aspiring St. Patricks will have to make sure they are fairly fit, however, as they will be expected to run or walk five kilometers. Everyone who takes part will be issued with a costume. If sufficient people participate, they may help Kilrush to enter the record books.

All St. Patricks still standing after their exertions will be encouraged to take part in the parade, which will have Reeling back the Years as its theme.

Clare Champion

Fianna Fit!

New Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin has banned breakfast fry-ups for his Fianna Fail team.

A new fatwa on frying pans has been introduced as the new leader ushers in a healthy eating regime.

The man who introduced the world's first smoking ban is calling time on smoky bacon, streaky rashers and sizzling sausages.

Staff at campaign headquarters have been gently advised that the comforting smell of the morning mixed grill is now politically incorrect -- henceforth, only political rivals may be grilled.

A senior party source disclosed the new pudding prohibition to the Evening Herald.

He indicated the stodgy stalwarts of the “full Irish” were being replaced with kiwi fruit.  It's goodbye bangers, hello bananas as Breakfast Roll Man is banned.

A Fianna Fail staffer confirmed apples and oranges had replaced coffee and cigarettes as the fuel of choice for the new regime at the Grattan House campaign headquarters in Mount Street in Dublin.
A spokesman explained Martin was running a dynamic team which was operating seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

The spokesman said the new leader was "conscious of the need to keep staff working at the peak of their abilities for the duration of the campaign," and had "brought in a healthy food regime, ensuring that everyone working in the center has a balanced diet, rich in energy and protein.”

For breakfast each morning the staff can choose from fresh fruit, muesli, porridge and high-fiber brown bread. Lunch consists of various salad and fruit options, while the evening meal includes chicken or fish dishes combined with pasta or rice.

One campaign worker said, "The staff have already been spending day, evening and night at the center, but many are already feeling the boost provided from this new health food regime.

"The bet going around the campaign center is who is going to lose the most weight during the course of the campaign.”

Evening Herald

Jail for Jean Theft

IT could cost almost £20,000 of public money to imprison a single mother who stole a £10 pair of jeans.
First-time offender Alison Hewitt broke down in tears last week in the dock at Londonderry Crown Court after she was sent to prison for three months for the offence.

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Nster.com